“A lot of men can't look after themselves so they jump into relationships to get looked after, while many women are not looking for another partner to look after, it is just too much work," says Libby Skeels of Relationships Australia.

These attitudes highlight international research findings that suggest married men or those in sexual partnerships are mentally healthier than single men, but that married women and those in sexual partnerships are less mentally healthy than their single sisters.

This discrepancy is just one of the many pitfalls awaiting those who, through design or accident, find themselves over 55 and unpartnered, often after long relationships which began in their 20s.

Research reveals that 40 per cent of people now in their 20s will never marry. It is a stark contrast to those now 55 plus who grew up in an era when sleeping together before marriage was taboo, despite which one in four brides was pregnant!

Courtship was formal and often chaperoned. If women worked it was largely viewed as a stop-gap until the real business of marriage and children took over.

A potent combination of parental pressure and sexual frustration resulted in the majority of people marrying and at much younger ages than today, when in fact many were still far from independent or mature enough for the job.

Thirty or more years on those now in their late 50s, or older, are looking for a new partner at a very different stage of their lives, as very different people in a confusing post-sexual liberation world where all the ground rules have changed.

Yvonne Allen, well known in Sydney and Melbourne for the introduction service she and her hand-picked counsellors offer, says some men and women are perfectly happy leading rewarding single lives.

Libby agrees, saying singles often turn to their single friends for a boost to their confidence and self-esteem. This seems to be particularly true of single women, who are more inclined to form very supportive networks.

However, in a sense this can be a two-edged sword as Yvonne points out. Paradoxically, the more independent a person becomes, the more difficult it is for them to partner.

That said, a degree of independence in both partners is essential for a strong, balanced and grown-up relationship, which Libby likens to the letter H: two people standing on their own feet but joined by love and shared goals.

Quite different is the weak co-dependent relationship which resembles the letter A, symbolising two people leaning on each other, unable to stand alone.

Among the many groups and courses run by Relationships Australia, the one older, single people seeking new relationships seem to find particularly relevant is a mixed group for men and women who want to share and discuss particular problems. A psychologist guides the group as facilitator and each meeting has a theme decided on by the group itself.

For those whose problem is not so much adapting to a new relationship, as meeting potential partners, Yvonne says her agency has helped many women and men in older age groups to successfully find partners. However, there are usually two women available for every older man searching for a new partner, she admits.

Despite the widespread myth that all older men want younger women as partners, some are quite open to a woman older than themselves. More women than men actively seek a younger partner in her experience, she adds. Asked if there is any prejudice among staff to pairing older women with younger men, she replies that there isn't, but if the age difference requested is judged to be unrealistic, clients are advised.

Dating for many people is a rewarding adventure with a happy ending but for some it can be fraught with daunting dilemmas. The practicalities of where to begin looking for a partner, how to meet people safely, how to guard privacy and finances sensibly without being paranoid, and what, if anything, to tell family and friends, are not always easy.

Emotionally it can be a roller-coaster ride also. The newly single may feel awkward and foolish re-living adolescent feelings and going through the ups and downs of meeting, courting and mating again.

Yvonne agrees it can be challenging and even disorientating, saying some people remain emotionally fixed in their 20s and may never change. Living with romantic illusions is not necessarily a bad thing, provided there is no conflict between how they are living and how they would like to live.

After many years in a comfortably familiar long-term relationship some older people find they are anxious about coping with sexual relations with a new partner. Men as well as women are self-conscious about bodies that are no longer perfect and they are intimidated by the emphasis on being sexually knowing and adept.

Men traditionally keep their prostate and impotence problems to themselves, being reluctant to even consult a doctor in many cases. Since impotence can increasingly effect a man from his 40s on, this is an area which can become an issue. Libby says, both people involved need to negotiate with patience, kindness and a little more stimulation than usual - the bonus being a longer period of foreplay.

Libby emphasises the importance of people being open and prepared to courageously take emotional risks when confronting their vulnerabilities. This is not only true of sexual matters. After many years of unchallenged assumptions it can also be unsettling to be jolted by new world views, expectations, attitudes and lifestyles which demand compromises, adjustments and mental, and sometimes physical, agility. You could be made to feel rusty.

Plainly many of these situations, questions and choices are too complex to address alone, which is why there is now a wealth of specifically targeted counselling services and practitioners. As well a wide range of bodies marketing ethical introduction services and other meeting options, around Australia, can help born-again singles in their search for a new partnership.

Counselling: Relationships Australia (1300 364 277 across Australia) formerly the Marriage Guidance Council, one-on-one and group programs include parenting, pre-marital, separation support, men’s groups etc. Referrals from General Practitioners. Other suggestions: Courses - bridge, wine, languages, car maintenance, photography etc; sporting clubs; dance classes and events - swing, tango, line dancing, Scottish reels etc; festivals - music, writers, flower and gardens etc; University of the Third Age; charity work; join a political party or activist group; e-mail chat rooms, international but some risks - in virtual reality all is not necessarily what it seems! Not all these options are available in all parts of the country, but similar ones probably are. The Yellow Pages and counselling services are good places to start looking. By applying the above strategies you should find that your overall communication and understanding of your partner’s and others’ needs improves. Discuss this article with them as an introduction to examining ways in which to improve your understandin g of each other and how best to communicate and enjoy your life together in retirement.

Contacts: The Age classified advertisement, 13 22 43. Sydney Morning Herald, 13 22 43. Entre Nous, exclusively for professional people (03) 9425 9055. Gay and Lesbian Contacts, 1902 243 009. Nice Matching Asian Centre, first and oldest Asian introduction agency, (03) 9662 9188. Open Circle - Speed dating, started in New York by a Jewish group, involves small cocktail gatherings, (03) 9537 3839. Penpals of Australia, www.millenium.2001.net/penpals Proconos International (Belarusia Connection), (03) 9755 5855. Soulmates.com.au, info@soulmates.com.au, (02) 9252 9611. Phoenix Lifestyle Club (for singles activities), (03) 9886 9994.

A word to the wise Most people using these resources are honest, decent adults; a few are not. Reputable, ethical agencies are well aware of the few who are not and do everything possible to protect their clients and their own good name. However, in the end it is a case of ' buyer beware'. Do not give your surname to a stranger at first; a first name and telephone number is sufficient. Don’t reveal your address unless you want them turning up at the door uninvited. Mobile numbers are less easy to trace. Tell a trusted friend where you are going and what you are doing. If you are going in a car get the registration number and leave it with the friend. Someone should always know where you are and when you will be back. Do not divulge too much personal information and be particularly careful about financial question like 'Do you own your own house? Is it paid off? Does anyone else live at your place? Make it quite obvious that you are being sensibly cautious - trust is built slowly and you are under no obligation to say anything you are not comfortable with revealing just to be 'friendly'. Meet on neutral territory and pay for your own food and drinks. This leaves you free to go when you wish, without any obligation to meet again. Always be pleasant but firm. Any hint of coercion or unpleasantness should be a cue to sever the connection. Listen to your instincts and err on the side of caution; a responsible person will respect your good sense. Needless to say wearing provocative clothing and drinking too much alcohol invites liberties and other problems. An introduction made through an agency costs more but there is less risk as both parties are well screened. And finally do not forget 'safe sex' is important. It is now quite proper to insist on a condom being used for protection from HIV or venereal disease.

John’s story When John Giles (not his real name), a 55 year old sales and marketing executive, enrolled with a Melbourne introduction agency in 1998, he gave specific details on the type of woman he sought. "I wanted someone in her early to mid-40s, intelligent, educated, who took pride in her appearance, had a good sense of humour, was a non-smoker and lived in the southern or eastern suburbs." But very early in his one-year, $2500 membership, John was introduced to a woman in her mid-fifties who lived in the country, weighed between 100kg and 110kg, dressed very badly and smoked. She had been separated only a matter of weeks and was still living in the same home as her estranged husband. Another woman, a western suburbs resident whom the agency said John would "just love", appeared to be using the service simply to find sex partners. Asked by the woman to pick her up at home, John took her to a pub for a drink, then perhaps foolishly accepted an invitation for coffee when he dropped her home. Had caution prevailed, he would not have been met with the sight of this "unattractive woman" walking into the living room stark naked and carrying a towel, not coffee. "She hadn’t even put the kettle on," he recalls. Declining the offer of a swim, he left quickly, then was amazed to receive a phone call from the woman. She sought another date, saying she was not looking for a relationship, only a "weekly root". Not all John’s dates were so disastrous, but after meeting some 50 women over eight months, he gave up. "Either the dating agency didn’t want to listen or didn’t have the right women," he says. John agrees he is "fussy", but believes most of the women to whom he was introduced were complete mis-matches. He concluded the agency had on its books a lot of women who could prove very difficult to partner. Pam Kershaw

Donna and the dating game. Donna Jones (not her real name) is fit, feisty and 48 going on 40. She lives in the inner suburbs of Melbourne and for the past ten years has met dozens of potential partners though dating agencies and advertising in The Age. "I lived overseas till I was 36," She says. "When I came back to Melbourne most of my friends were married or in partnerships. I didn’t know many available men so I joined a group called Phoenix which organised social gatherings for singles such as tennis, house parties and restaurant evenings. Most of the men I met seemed to be recently divorced - too soon to start a new relationship. People who have had time to work through some of their issues are much better value." After Pheonix, Donna tried Entre Nous. She met a large number of men but most did not match her level of education (she is a career woman with post-graduate qualifications) and cultural interests. However, relating to a range of different men stood her in good stead. "It helps you get to know people and feel comfortable with them," she says. She did have a brief affair with a man ten years older than herself, "but it was apparent it wasn’t right for us although we’ve been good friends ever since," she says. Next Donna went to Yvonne Allen. "I was introduced to about 10 people. It cost a significant amount of money and I did have one of the big romances of my life. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out." Over the past two years, Donna has relied more on The Age than on dating agencies. "I’ve responded to several ads in The Age. I’ve met some quite reflective, honest and interesting people although there are always some duds. I put in an ad myself earlier this year and had such a huge response, I found it hard to apply a selection criteria. You have to be prepared to meet a lot of people just for coffee." Donna admits hers is not a happy-ever-after story – not yet. But she claims lots of positives. She has met a wide cross-section of interesting people from university professors, engineers and doctors to teachers and office workers. She has honed her listening and social skills. Six of the men she dated she feels will be friends for life. And she feels confident that one day she will meet a life partner.

These articles and many more, are in the current
(14^th edition) of Your Retirement, Your Life.

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Your Retirement PO Box 1150N Armadale North Victoria 3143 Australia Phone: 613 9824 6211   -   Fax: 613 9824 6362 Email: publisher@yourretirement.com.au IS PUBLISHED BY Copyright Retirement Publishing Pty Ltd 2001 ISSN 1031-6620 ACN 088 049 218 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED No parts of this publication may be printed, reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the permission in writing from the publishers, with the exception of short extracts for review purposes. PUBLISHERS NOTE While every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of the information given in the publication, the publishers do not, in any way accept liability for inaccuracies or for loss of any kind, whether caused through editorial matter or in the form of claims made in advertisements.Your Retirement is published by Retirement Publishing Pty. Ltd.

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