Consultant psychologist Michael Longhurst looks at the impact of retirement on relationships.
Hark back to the daily pandemonium of weekday mornings. You are in the shower and your partner is in the kitchen organising a quick breakfast. Half an hour later, there is a kiss goodbye and you don’t see each other until dinnertime. Then, one day retirement comes along and all of a sudden, this weekday insanity ceases. Now is the time for you to both relax and enjoy more of each other’s company…or is it?
During the research program I ran with 200 Australian retirees, one of the key factors that emerged related to the challenges that adjusting to retirement brings to a relationship. Where these challenges are not handled carefully, relationship issues may develop which create stress and uncertainty. However, by applying a little sensitivity, open communication and empathy for each other’s needs, most people find that they can adjust to their new relationship dynamics without too much trouble.
So what are the relationship issues that may impact on otherwise happy retirees? Here are the top three relationship needs that recurred regularly during the research.
Need Number One: Your own space.
We all need some time to ourselves. For some people it is a physical place such as a workshop where they can get away and work on a hobby; for others it is simply the ability to sit down and read in comparative peace and quiet. The degree to which we find having time alone important is usually related to our individual levels of introversion or extroversion. An extrovert, who is going through a period of adjustment such as recent retirement, will typically want to be with people. They are more likely to want to 'process’ or work through their anxiety by talking it over with others and will find comfort in frequent interaction with their partner at these times.
On the other hand, a strongly introverted person who is experiencing stress or anxiety, is more likely to want to get away and quietly work through their concerns by more introspective or contemplative processes. Hence, it is where one partner is extroverted and the other introverted, that conflict may arise. Extroverts may not always understand when their partner withdraws to another room and may even start to feel that he or she is rejecting them. On the other hand, introverts may find themselves irritated by their more extroverted partner’s preference for regular conversation and interaction.
As you read this article, you may be saying to yourself, "But we’ve been together for years – why should these differences in personality be an issue now?" The irony is that one of the factors that often brings people together in the first place is the differences in their levels of extroversion and introversion. Because the extrovert prefers talking to listening, and the introvert prefers listening to talking, both soon find that they have an ideal situation. Moreover, conflict between partners is less likely when their variations in personality are integrated into the activities of a busy work life. It is not until a period of significant mutual stress, such as the period soon after retirement, that the differing needs of extroverts and introverts may impact negatively, at the very time when both partners need to be providing each other with emotional support.
Need Number Two: Being free to do your own thing.
In addition to understanding their partner’s level of need for physical or psychological space, it is also important that people encourage partners who have an interest they wish to pursue in retirement. A significant finding during the research demonstrated that where people engage in five hours or more per week of ?purposeful’ activity they are less likely to succumb to retirement-related anxiety, stress or depression and find that their overall experience of retirement is far more rewarding. However, where a partner discourages or devalues their partner’s involvement in a particular activity there can be negative consequences.
In one instance, a woman on the research program described how she had reluctantly retired from a satisfying career to keep her older retired husband company. Still not satisfied, her husband then limited her involvement in voluntary work to a couple of hours a week. Feeling hemmed in and restricted she soon found herself becoming bored and miserable. Finally, she brought the situation to a head and is now involved in voluntary work a number of days a week. Both partners are now happier as they pursue retirement lifestyles of their own choosing and enjoy each other’s company when they are together.
Need Number Three: Not being taken for granted.
The first two relationship issues concern interaction between partners. At the same time, relationships between retired people and their adult children can also be affected. The most common issue centres on the perception of some adult children that their retired parents are a convenient source of on-call, unpaid baby-sitting because they "have nothing else to do". Of course, some retired people are very happy to baby-sit their grandchildren and describe a renewed sense of purpose as they refill the 'empty-nest’; but for others, baby-sitting interferes with their schedule of purposeful activities, travel, and other plans.
So what can I do to improve our relationship in retirement?
Each of the relationship issues mentioned above share a number of common factors.
1. Empathy for others’ needs. Try to put yourself in your partner’s/parents’/friends’ position and imagine what their needs are and how they may be interpreting your behaviour. For example, if you suspect that your partner does not understand when you want to be alone try also to imagine their needs for interaction. Instead of finding their need to interact more frequently than you would prefer irritating, try to understand that we are all different and focus on the strengths that they bring to your relationship. For example, if they are more extroverted than you, think about how much pressure that takes off you at social engagements where they do most of the talking while when you prefer to hang back and listen.
2. Communicate about the issue not the person. Resolve to communicate with each other in as non-emotional a manner as possible. Try to avoid using inflammatory or accusatory expressions such as, "You make me angry when you do such-and-such!" Instead, focus on the facts and say something like, "I find I become frustrated when I can’t get away to read quietly for a while."
3. Listen with your eyes and your ears. When you are communicating, focus on your total listening and attending skills. Listen closely and watch their facial expressions. Is what they are saying matched by their body language? Are they saying, "I don’t mind if you…" when their facial expressions suggest quite the opposite? If so, probe further and help them to tell you what they really mean.
By applying the above strategies you should find that your overall communication and understanding of your partner’s and others’ needs improves. Discuss this article with them as an introduction to examining ways in which to improve your understandin g of each other and how best to communicate and enjoy your life together in retirement.
These articles and many
more, are in the current
(14th edition)
of Your Retirement, Your Life.
|
|||||||||
|
| Your Retirement PO Box 1150N Armadale North Victoria 3143 Australia Phone: 613 9824 6211 - Fax: 613 9824 6362 Email: publisher@yourretirement.com.au  IS PUBLISHED BY  Copyright Retirement Publishing Pty Ltd 2001 ISSN 1031-6620 ACN 088 049 218 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED No parts of this publication may be printed, reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the permission in writing from the publishers, with the exception of short extracts for review purposes. PUBLISHERS NOTE While every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of the information given in the publication, the publishers do not, in any way accept liability for inaccuracies or for loss of any kind, whether caused through editorial matter or in the form of claims made in advertisements.Your Retirement is published by Retirement Publishing Pty. Ltd. |
