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RETIREMENT & LIFESTYLE PLANNING | |
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| ISSUE - 19 - WINTER 2004 | |
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Why men don't talk
ROBYN VICKERS-WILLIS
John: How are you going?
Mike: Fine. How are things with you?
John: Okay. Did you see the great goal Tarrant kicked?
Mike: Yeah mate, wasn't it a beauty.Chantal: You look a bit pale.
Are you okay?
Jenny: Well, no, not really. Mike and I had another big blow up on Saturday. I think we're going to separate. I feel awful.
Chantal: I`m so sorry. It must be really hard for you. Sue was in a similar situation last year and found a great counsellor. Would you like me to find out the details for you?
Why is it that men find it so difficult to talk to each other about themselves, their feelings, and their lives in the way women do? If they wanted to, what could they do to change?
I have just finished writing a book about men and midlife. To do this I drew on my work as a counsellor and coach, as well as intensive one-to-one interviews I carried out with more than 30 men aged 37 to 53 years. In these interviews, men talked to me at length (up to one and a half hours) about their lives and often at a heart-felt level. At the end of the interviews, several men commented on how wonderful it was to talk in this way. Many expressed a yearning to connect meaningfully to other men in midlife.
They also said that despite this need, they found it too difficult to do. Peter said, "I've found relation-ships between men relatively superficial. I think it is a fear of showing the non-masculine side. The quickest way to lose status in a circle of men is to show weakness."
If they talked about their innermost thoughts and feelings it tended to be to their female partner, or to some other woman, perhaps a sister, a work colleague, a platonic female friend, or an ex-lover.
There were some exceptions. One of the men I interviewed had joined an encounter group with both men and women; another had joined a men's book group and found he felt more comfortable sharing his inner world there than in other situations in his life. Yet another interviewee had started sharing with a colleague at an intimate level after a chance conversation and, recognising how good it was to share in this way, the two friends made regular times to get together to talk.
As part of my research, I talked to a men's group. Phil told me, "It was a real challenge for me to break the habit and to share with other men, something I had only done with my female partner. It has been the best thing I could do for myself at this time of my life. I now realise I am not alone. It has also helped me change my behaviour. There's nowhere else in life I have this contact with men. We are all giving to each other, which is pretty radical for a group of men."
Because of their disinclination to talk to each other many men rely on their wife or partner to share their inner feelings. This does not always best meet men's needs, especially at midlife.
At this stage of life we yearn to introduce to our life whatever we have neglected. Typically, men have neglected relationships, while women have been immersed in them. So as a man seeks a more meaningful connection at midlife, a woman craves personal space. She may still want to be there for her man but it can pall if he becomes too dependent on her.
Some of the issues he needs to explore may also trigger strong reactions in her. My research indicates that many men want to change their work situation at midlife. Wives can find this difficult, perhaps because their security needs are triggered. So, to ensure he is free to openly explore his needs, it helps if he can talk to someone else. As 46 per cent of marriages end in divorce, a man puts himself in a vulnerable position if he relies on his wife for all his intimacy needs.
10 tips to loosen your tongue
- Talk to yourself about your life and how you feel about it (it isn’t a sign that you are going mad!) Write in a journal or on your computer if that is more appealing.
- Put aside an evening to spend by yourself, open your favourite bottle of wine, put on some music, get out some old photos and remember
- Consider approaching a male friend to meet regularly to share what has been happening in your lives.
- Practise your listening behaviour. Remember you don’t have to solve others’ problems. The greatest gift you can give another is to just listen.
- Be vigilant to opportunities when a male friend shares something at an intimate level. Show by your listening behaviour that you are there for him.
- Nurture and actively support men friends in their effort to change.
- Regard feelings as a basic and essential part of living a full life and accept the vulnerabilities and imperfections that are part of us all.
- Accept and express the need to be nurtured when feeling hurt, afraid, vulnerable, or helpless rather than hiding these feelings behind a mask of strength, rationality, and invulnerability.
- Touch and be close to both men and women, minimising any inhibition over the presence or absence of sexual feelings.
- Think creatively about how you can build support systems with other men.
Steve revealed, "Once I married I stopped nurturing my relationships. I relied completely on my wife. When we separated, I realised how dependent I had become on her. I left it up to her for contact with friends and even my own parents."
Just as women do, men benefit from talking to each other about issues particularly pertaining to men. If you have the desire to talk more openly to other men in your life where could you start?
Preparation helps you move out of your comfort zone
Whenever we do something that is unfamiliar, uncomfortable feelings arise. Men told me how difficult it was to take that first step towards more intimate conversations with other men. However, once they did, it was well worth it.
Consider what you could do to make taking that first step more likely. Zac said, "When I discovered a men's group in my suburb, I arranged to meet with one of the participants to find out a bit about it. It helped to get some of my questions answered. It also helped at the first meeting to have already met a participant."
Practise listening for the feelings
To relate in a meaningful way to another person we need to be able to relate at an emotional level. Most men have been discouraged from developing either the habit of feeling or a language in which to express it, so a significant part of your preparation can be to focus on your emotional development. You may need to work hard if you are to recreate the emotional freedom of the boy within - the boy who cried when he got hurt, who yelled his joy when he won a game, or freely hugged his family and friends. This does not mean you need to become childish or child-like.
Many men have been conditioned to listen for facts and details and have difficulty listening to feelings expressed explicitly or implicitly. Reflect on your own listening behaviour. Are you ready to listen for the feelings behind what a man is saying - with an open, compassionate, attentive, non-judgemental mind?
This is what is necessary. To go to this place of sharing is to go to a place of trust. We make ourselves vulnerable as we share our innermost feelings and thoughts and it is vital that we hold these feelings and thoughts in a safe place, whether for our selves or for another. After meeting a friend whose father had just died, Wayne recounted, "It was a unique experience to just listen to Jack and to remind myself I didn't have to do anything but listen. He was so grateful."
Broaden your feeling vocabulary
Because men lack experience being listened to at a feeling level, or dealing with their own or others' feelings, many have not developed a wide vocabulary to explore and explain their feelings. When Bruce first came to see me all he could say was that he felt down. Over time he learnt to discriminate and use such words as feeling low, unhappy and depressed, or glad, happy and elated. What words do you use to describe your feelings?
First learn to listen to yourself We can only show to another the attitude we show to our self, and so the best place to start developing your listening skills is to attend to your own feelings with a "listening" ear. To practise this you can stop regularly during the day and ask yourself, "How am I feeling right now?" Then ask yourself, "Why?"
Try to use different feeling words to describe your experiences. As you start to notice your feelings, you will start to notice yourself and how you feel about your life. So, another benefit of this practice is that it can help you to start shaping your life to suit the person you are.
What are you willing to commit to?
Bringing a new behaviour into your life is never easy. It is often best to start with little steps, make sure you celebrate your successes, no matter how small, and remind yourself of the benefits of your new behaviour. Ask yourself now:
- What can I try to be more open in my conversation with other men?
- Who or what could support me in making this change?
- What would be some of the benefits to me?
- What have I got to lose?
Robyn Vickers-Willis is author of Men Navigating Midlife (Allen & Unwin, 2004)
Contact Ph: 03 9509 5745
Web www.navigatingmidlife.com
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Email: publisher@yourlifechoices.com.auIS PUBLISHED BY
Copyright Retirement Publishing Pty Ltd 2001 -- ISSN 1031-6620 ACN 088 049 218
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