Shorten a goner
Mar 27 2015 at 11:11 AM
Fairfax Financial Review
by Rowan Dean
The world of politics was rocked to its core this week following another wild outbreak of leadership speculation and unrest that has shaken the corridors of Canberra to their foundations.
"This has been simmering away in the background for months now," said one unnamed insider from within the highest echelons of the parliamentary party, "but now the lid's blown right off it! The dam has burst! Kapow! Everybody's had it up to here with the endless stupidity, the ridiculously clumsy speech patterns and the hopeless, woeful leadership. But above all, it's the opinion polls. Last week's was a disaster. That was the final straw. He'll be gone by next week."
The insider was of course referring to the doomed leadership of Bill Shorten, with whispers rife throughout the Labor Party that even members of his own frontbench no longer believe he can win the next election. "It should have been a shoo-in," one disgruntled frontbencher, who agreed to speak on strict condition of anonymity, said. "We had the next election in the bag. But then Bill goes and completely stuffs it up! Three little words! That's all it took!"
The frontbencher was referring to what is now widely accepted as Bill Shorten's most spectacular gaffe – his Australia Day "captain's call" that 2015 was to be his "year of ideas".
"How can it be his year of ideas when he doesn't have any?" said another exasperated senior member of the party, speaking through a close friend of an anonymous source. "And on the very day that all anybody wants to do is get blotto in front of the barbie. The last thing anyone wants is an idea. Talk about hopeless timing."
Others were blunter in their assessment. "The problem with ideas is that people think about them," a rebel backbencher said. "And if people start thinking about the return to Labor then obviously we're doomed."
Well-placed sources within the commentariat were quick to agree. "If you say you've got an idea, then there's always the risk that people might take you at your word and ask you what it is. Imagine if Annastacia Palawotsit had tried to pretend she knew what she was doing! We'd have been toast."
WOEFUL INTERVIEW
Critics point to Mr Shorten's woeful Jon Faine interview as the moment that galvanised the backbench to act, although others point to an earlier interview on 7.30 with Leigh Sales as when the mood in the party room turned savagely against Mr Shorten.
"He got all the way through the Sales interview without saying a single thing, which was fantastic, and that is of course his job," another disgruntled backbencher said, "but then with two stupid words he went and blew the whole thing completely! 'Inclusive growth'. What a disaster. Now people will start to think we know how to manage the economy!"
Others mentioned the profound unease within the party over Mr Shorten's continued use of the word "values". "He keeps on banging on about 'Labor values' but of course as everyone knows, the only thing we value is getting back into power as fast as we can so we can get our hands on the loot and start dishing it out to dead people, public servants and paying off those union credit cards."
Rumours have it that there are at least three leadership contenders ready to declare their hand, although who will make the first move is unknown as yet.
"Tanya's gagging for it," one senior source known to be close to the charismatic deputy leader said. "She is so articulate and she knows how get our message across, which is of course that we won't be bringing in a carbon tax on day one, and we won't be immediately hiking the price of it straight up to $150 a tonne because the planet deserves nothing less."
But others believe that the former leader Chris Bowen is the obvious choice to challenge. "Chris's talents are completely wasted in the Treasury portfolio swatting up on tax thresholds. What a joke. Everybody knows Treasury is where you stick hopeless losers like that Springsteen dude."
However, most experts believe that the successful challenge will come from Shorten's former leadership rival Anthony Albanese. One source, who is said to be extremely close to the firebrand from Grayndler, said Albanese was the leader the public craves.
"Anthony is completely wasted just sitting around waiting for Bill to mispronounce the word 'with', which he does with alarming alacrity," the anonymous source said. "It's high time the entire party got behind the one individual smart, talented and popular enough to win the next election. And that is me, er, I mean, him."
For all those , who want to understand Aussie humor . In the vein of The Harold Holt Swimming Pool memorial,,,