Joke for the Day

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!cid_7300D9E01B6E43C4A07A727BD49C4E76@KensPC

I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this.

 

In 1272, the Scots invented the condom, using a sheep's lower intestine.

 

In 1873, the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

 

Don't thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of education and cross-cultural understanding.

Amazing  I always believed that came from Turkey, only instead of sheep they used live turkies,

A Scotsman took a condom into a chemist and said the clan would like a quote on repair.

 

  

 

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'


The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.


'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
 

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'


Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.


The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.


St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'



The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
 

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......





 



13

 

 

 

  

Don't cheat, now !

1. When did ''Little Suzie'' finally wake up?
(a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock
(b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock
(c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock

2. ''Rock Around The Clock'' was used in what movie?
(a) Rebel Without A Cause 
(b) Blackboard Jungle
(c) The Wild Ones

3. What's missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint? Earth _____
(a) Angel
(b) Mother
(c) Worm

4. ''I found my thrill . . .'' where?
(a) Kansas City
(b) Heartbreak Hotel
(c) Blueberry Hill

5. ''Please turn on your magic beam, _____ _____ bring me a dream,'':
(a) Mr. Sandman
(b) Earth Angel
(c) Dream Lover

6. For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
(a) Atlantic
(b) RCA
(c) Sun

7. He asked, ''Why's everybody always pickin' on me?'' Who was he?
(a) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
(b) Charlie Brown
(c) Buster Brown

8. In Bobby Darin's ''Mack The Knife,'' the one with the knife, was named:
(a) Mac Heath
(b) Mac Cloud
(c) McNamara

9. Name the song with ''A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.''
(a) Good Golly, Miss Molly
(b) Be-Bop-A-Lula
(c) Tutti Fruitti

10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term ''Rock And Roll''?
(a) Dick Clark
(b) Wolfman Jack
(c) Alan Freed

11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher:
(a) Little Richard
(b) Frankie Lymon
(c) Tony Orlando

12. Paul Anka's ''Puppy Love'' is written to what star?
(a) Brenda Lee
(b) Connie Francis
(c) Annette Funicello

13. The Everly Brothers were.....
(a) Pete and Dick
(b) Don and Phil
(c) Bob and Bill

14. The Big Bopper's real name was:
(a) Jiles P. Richardson
(b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
(c) Marion Michael Morrison

15. In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr., started a small record company called...
(a) Decca
(b) Cameo
(c) Motown

16. Edd Brynes had a hit with ''Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb''. What TV show was he on?
(a) 77 Sunset Strip
(b) Hawaiian Eye
(c) Surfside Six

17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
(a) Carol Lynley
(b) Sandra Dee
(c) Natalie Wood

18.. They were a one hit wonder with ''Book Of Love'':
(a) The Penguins
(b) The Monotones
(c) The Moonglows

19. The Everly Brothers sang a song called ''Till I ______ You.''
(a) Loved
(b) Kissed
(c) Met

20. Chuck Berry sang ''Oh, ___________, why can't you be true?''
(a) Suzie Q
(b) Peggy Sue
(c) Maybelline

21. ''Wooly _______''
(a) Mammoth
(b) Bully
(c) Pully

22. ''I'm like a one-eyed cat . . . .."
(a) can't go into town no more
(b) sleepin' on a cold hard floor
(c) peepin' in a seafood store

23. ''Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do . . . . ..''
(a) cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze
(b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
(c) cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise

24. ''They often call me Speedo, but my real name is ......''
(a) Mr. Earl
(b) Jackie Pearl
(c) Milton Berle

25. ''Be Bop A Lula ....''
(a) she's got the rabies
(b) she's my baby.
(c) she loves me, maybe

26. ''Fine Love, Fine Kissing …..''
(a) right here
(b) fifty cents
(c) just for you

27. ''He wore black denim trousers and …..''
(a) a pink carnation
(b) pink leotards
(c) motorcycle boots

28. ''I got a gal named……....''
(a) Jenny Zamboni
(b) Gerri Mahoney
(c) Boney Maroney

Answers:

Scroll Down so you aren't tempted to cheat (as if cheating were needed here).
* * * * * * * * * * * *


1 (c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. (b) Blackboard Jungle
3. (a) Angel
4. (c) Blueberry Hill
5. (a) Mr. Sandman
6. (c) Sun
7. (b) Charlie Brown
8. (a) Mac Heath
9. (c) Tutti Fruitti
10. (c) Alan Freed
11. (a) Little Richard
12. (c) Annette Funicello
13. (b) Don and Phil
14. (a) Jiles P. Richardson
15. (c) Motown
16. (a) 77 Sunset Strip
17. (b) Sandra Dee
18. (b) The Monotones
19. (b) Kissed
20. (c) Maybelline
21. (b) Bully
22. (c) peepin' in a sea food store
23. (b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
24. (a) Mr. Earl
25. (b) she's my baby 
26. (a) right here
27. (c) motorcycle boots
28. (c) Boney Maroney

Send this to everyone lucky enough to be teenagers in the Doo Wop era…...or who wishes they had been.

Golfing Accident

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

Hell of a Day

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making 
biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.


"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. 

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see 

a man crying." 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. 

"I'm an absolute failure. I have just been declared bankrupt. I am going to lose my house. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any 
insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. My teenage daughter is pregnant by a complete dropout. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me." 

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a 

drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then 
you show up and drink the whole damn thing! See what I mean? I can't even end it all properly!

But enough of my troubles - how about you?"

 

 






 

 

 

 

 

When you have a spare hour settle back and watch this.

You'll love it!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmuS3SGgRsw

 


excellent !

Wedding Invitation from a socialite mother of the groom

cid:4933F737-1D23-410B-895B-D5D425A07CD8@client.mchsi..com

Wedding Invitation (cont'd)P.S. We have no idea WHAT he sees in her !

cid:9AE7385E-DBFC-49CC-94F1-501E573B3B18@client.mchsi.com

Zen Teachings:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. I n fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, sky-diving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog,some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgement comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgement.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with men. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

 

  A man in Newcastle walked into the produce section of his local Coles  supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in  that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
  The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
  Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
  "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
  As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had  followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and  this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
  The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
  Later, the manager said to the boy...........
  "I was impressed  with the way you got yourself out of that situation  earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you  from son?"
  "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
  "Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
  The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players  there."
  "Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"
  "Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?" 

LOL - not NZ surely. Hmm did you do an Abbey and make some strategic substitutions and omissions?

And in the spirit of bagging your neighbour

 

 

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.  
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite 
cheaply.  
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland . 
 
It was absolutely wonderful, 
it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

       They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, 
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. 
 
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but 
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, 
the cow would move away. 
 
No matter what approach the bull tried, 
the cow would move away from the bull, 
and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to 
the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and 
ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. 

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. 
 
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. 
 
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this 
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned 
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . 

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. 
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: 

"My wife is from Scotland "

 cid:1.854785949@web29801.mail.ird.yahoo.com

 

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

 
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

 
"They're on sale, only £20 for 24 cans" he replies. 
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a £40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

 
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

 
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

 
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the  price."

That's him on Aisle 5.

Only the French!!!!!



Touche-absolutely hilarious!!


This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he has just been arrested.

The Englishman answers With humour: No! Do you know that this is a British car and that my wife is the driver... on the other side???

 

User: My usual password is not working suddenly, why?

 

Website chat assistant: Your password has expired - you must register a new one.

 

User: Why do I need a new one as that one was working fine?

 

Website: you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

 

User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

 

Website: No, you must get a new one.

 

User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

 

Website: Sorry, you must get a new one.

 

User: ok, roses

 

Website: Sorry you must use more letters.

 

User: pretty roses

 

Website: you must use at least one number.

 

User: 1 pretty rose

 

Website: you cannot use blank spaces.

 

User: 1prettyrose

 

Website: you must use additional letters.

 

User: 1f#ckingprettyrose

 

Website: you must use at least one capital letter.

 

User: 1F#CKINGprettyrose

 

Website: you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

 

User: 1F#ckingprettyrose

 

Website: you must use additional letters.

 

User:1F#ckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightf#ckingnow

 

Website: Sorry, that password is already being used.

 

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