This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork.

"About two hours," says the conductor.

"OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?"

The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why'd you think there'd be a difference?"

"Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a hell of a long time between New Year and Christmas!

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating”.
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word “fascinate, not fascinating”.
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated”.
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate”.
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.

Good one Gerry....that's what makes life interesting, you never know what's coming next.

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a good home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four noisy children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Took a few secs.  G. - Good un.

Just saw "The tired Dog" one G. Absolutely lovedddd it.

How to control a classroom

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him, and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence….. The rest of the year went smoothly!

When I saw this one I smiled and thought How True

Thanks G. We got a laugh out of them all.

A couple in Townsville  had a lot of potted plants.
During a recent cold winter (for Townsville that is!),
the wife was bringing some of the valued tender ones
indoors to protect them from the cold night.

It turned out that a little green tree snake was hidden in one of the plants.
When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the lounge.
She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked
to see what the problem was.
She told him there was a snake under the lounge.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.
He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up,
told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The paramedics rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher,
and started carrying him out.

Just then, the snake came out from under the lounge and one paramedic saw it.
He dropped his end of the stretcher.
That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house,
so she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake.
He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the lounge..
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the lounge in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions,
where she felt the snake wriggling around
She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the lounge.

The neighbour, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at Woolies,
saw her husband's apparently kissing the woman on the mouth.
She slammed her husband in the back of the head with herbag of canned goods,
knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him,
so she assumed that the snake had bitten him.
She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey,
and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed
that a drunken fight had occurred.
They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain
how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the lounge
and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.
He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table.
The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke,
it started a fire in the curtains.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window
into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out of the yard
and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it
and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning curtains and called in the fire brigade.
The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street.
The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power,
and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area
(but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! The snake was caught and both men were discharged from the hospital,
the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car
and all was right with their world.

A while later, the couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced
a cold snap for that night.
The wife asked her husband if he thought they should
bring in their potted plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.