These 20 jokes are universally acclaimed – oh, who are we kidding – they’re just funny, alright?
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
A vulture boards a plane holding two dead rabbits.
The hostess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry sir, but we only allow one carrion”.
What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.
How Long is a Chinese name.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus top and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
Is there a hole in your shoe? No?
Then how did you get your foot into it?
Two mice are chewing on a film reel.
One turns to the other and says, “I think the book was better”.
A farmer in a field counted 196 cows.
When he rounded them up, he had 200.
Was there a more important invention than the first telephone?
Yes. The second one.
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?
The ceremony was nice but the reception was amazing.
Two cows in a field. One says:
“Did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease?”
The other says:
“Good thing I’m a helicopter.”
Bill Gates walked into an Apple store, broke wind and stank up the whole place.
But it’s Apple’s fault for not having Windows.
One prisoner looks at the other and says:
“It’s times like these that I wish I had listened to what my mother told me.”
The other prisoner replied: “What did she tell you?”
“I don’t know. I wasn’t listening.”
Where does bad light go?
Where do bees go to the toilet?
At a BP station.
If you only have enough to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe as he is about to walk into a tree, what would that word be?
What do you call a camel with no humps?
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
I think I’m coming down with something.
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