26th Oct 2016
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Friday Funnies: a collection of quick-witted quotes
Group of paperclips with one individual paperclip apart

This collection of quick-witted quotes from the world’s most intelligent – and funniest – people will give you a unique insight on life. Or they’ll just make you laugh out loud. Either way, you win!

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You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. ~ George Burns

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. ~ Emo Philips

If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving. ~ Henny Youngman

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? ~ Bill Murray

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. ~ Bob Monkhouse

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. ~ Steven Wright

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. ~ Oscar Wilde

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas." ~ Claude Pepper

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. ~ George Burns

Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many” – and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”. ~ Robin Williams

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. ~ Marilyn Monroe

I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know, so they have to run a little. ~ Bill Murray

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. ~ Douglas Adams

I bet giraffes don’t even know what farts smell like. ~ Bill Murray

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. ~ Dave Barry

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them as much. ~ Oscar Wilde

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. ~ Greg King

I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night. ~ Bill Hicks

The only mystery in life is why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. ~ Al McGuire

I'm not addicted to coke. I just love the way it smells. ~ Richard Pryor

I can resist everything except temptation. ~ Oscar Wilde

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ Billy Sunday

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. ~ Franklin Jones

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. ~ Socrates

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    COMMENTS

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    The Bronze Anzac
    4th Nov 2016
    11:57am
    A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
    CindyLou
    4th Nov 2016
    4:18pm
    You can't teach a pig to dance. It's a waste of time, and it also annoys the pig.
    PlanB
    5th Nov 2016
    8:51am
    Evil triumphs when good men do nothing

    Edmond Burke


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