Age is a wonderful thing

In this week’s Friday funnies, we find out that age is a wonderful thing.

Age is a wonderful thing

Senior romance

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.” Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the doona and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”

Down at the retirement centre

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!”

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”

Bessie thinks a minute and says, “Close enough.”

  

Old friends

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what is your name.”

Her friend glared at her, and for a further three minutes, she just stared at her.

Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

Senior driving

A senior citizen was driving down the motorway, when his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Vernon, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-5. Please be careful!”

“Hell,” said Vernon, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

Supersex

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex”.

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex”.

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – neither of them barely able to see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The traffic light was red, but they drove through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and, again, the light was red. For a second time, they drove right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

Sure enough, at the next junction, the light was red and they drove on. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”





    COMMENTS

    To make a comment, please register or login
    joanmac
    8th May 2015
    8:10pm
    all these jokes taking a swipe at senior citizens, memory loss and sex....just a tad ageist, I think.
    Anonymous
    15th May 2015
    6:08pm
    joanmac, I would agree with you but then we would both be wrong. (This is meant to be funny.)
    Dana
    9th May 2015
    12:02am
    joanmac - your comment makes me wonder whether you are a 'senior citizen' yourself, for if you were I'm pretty sure you would appreciate how valuable humour is in coping with the well known afflictions of old age. Being able to laugh at ourselves together can be such a comfort in the face of unrelenting changes we can do very little about.
    Anonymous
    15th May 2015
    6:02pm
    I whole-heartedly agree with you, Dana. Laughter is a good medicine for us all.
    A. N. Onymous
    9th May 2015
    6:12pm
    Running

    A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise.

    Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

    After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner’s euphoria" was.

    "Runner’s euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays."
    A. N. Onymous
    9th May 2015
    6:15pm
    Acts 2:38

    An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.

    She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" "Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven."

    The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he was curious and asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

    "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38s!"

    (This and "Running" above are from my Just For Grins email subscription from worldstart.com, which also offers a Tech Tips email.)
    Dana
    9th May 2015
    8:07pm
    Tks A.N. Onymous - here's a few for you :

    I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
    She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
    And that, my friend, is the definition of "OLD"
    ~ ~ ~
    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
    'And what do you think is the best thing
    About being 104?' the reporter asked.
    She simply replied,
    'No peer pressure.'
    ~ ~ ~
    I've sure gotten old!
    I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
    New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
    I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
    Take 40 different medications that
    Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
    Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
    Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
    Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
    Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
    I still have my Florida driver's license.
    ~ ~ ~
    An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
    Told her preacher she had two final requests.
    First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
    She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
    'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
    'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'
    ~ ~ ~
    These days about half the stuff
    In my shopping cart says,
    'For fast relief.'
    ~ ~ ~
    THE SENILITY PRAYER:
    Grant me the senility to forget the people
    I never liked anyway,
    The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
    The eyesight to tell the difference.
    ~ ~
    Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
    ~ ~ ~
    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
    I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit
    into the socks I wore in high school.

    15th May 2015
    6:00pm
    A retired couple from Dubbo were on a motoring trip when they were stopped by a highway patrol officer outside of Albury for speeding.The officer walked up to their car and asked the woman, who was driving, if she knew that she was speeding.
    Being hard of hearing she turned to her husband and said rather loudly "What'd he say?". The husband tells her and she says "No". The officer then asks to see her drivers' licence and, again, she turns to her husband and asks "What'd he say?" The husband tells her and she hands the officer her licence. The officer looks at the licence and says "Oh, you're from Dubbo. I had the worst sex of my life in Dubbo". Once more the woman turns to her husband and says "What'd he say?", to which her husband replies "The officer said he knows you".


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