Cracking Christmas jokes

Fall into the festive spirit with these cracking Christmas jokes.

Christmas crackers

Q. What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a Christmas Carol?
A. O Comb Over Ye Faithful.

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Q. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
A. Claustrophobia!

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Q. Why does Santa have three gardens?
A. So he can 'hoe, hoe, hoe'!

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Q. Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
A. Because he had low ‘elf’ esteem!

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Q. What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A. A broken drum; you just can't beat it!

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Q. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
A. Santa Jaws.

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Q. What did Santa say to the smoker?
A. Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!

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Q. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A. A mince spy!

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Q. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A. Tinsilitis!

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Q. What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

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Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A. Nothing, it was on the house!

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While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?” The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”

He promptly replied, “Another train.”

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One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids and said, “You two share.”

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I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, “Toys not included.”

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I tell my kids that Santa is fat because he eats the children who get up early on Christmas morning. That way, I get to sleep in.

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One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas carolling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

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