Q. What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a Christmas Carol?
A. O Comb Over Ye Faithful.
Q. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Q. Why does Santa have three gardens?
A. So he can 'hoe, hoe, hoe'!
Q. Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
A. Because he had low ‘elf’ esteem!
Q. What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A. A broken drum; you just can't beat it!
Q. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
A. Santa Jaws.
Q. What did Santa say to the smoker?
A. Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!
Q. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A. A mince spy!
Q. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Q. What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A. Nothing, it was on the house!
While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?” The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”
He promptly replied, “Another train.”
One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids and said, “You two share.”
I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, “Toys not included.”
I tell my kids that Santa is fat because he eats the children who get up early on Christmas morning. That way, I get to sleep in.
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas carolling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.
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