Drew has three cruising funnies to steer you into a great weekend.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in. There was a different audience each week so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat".
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table".
"Hey, why are all these cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course! They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. this went on for a day and another and another.
After about a week the parrot said: "Okay, I give up. Where's the boat?"
From a passenger cruise ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. The cruise ship captain replied, "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."
A software engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. Just as he was beginning to have fun, a hurricane roared in upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Aside from beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree.
One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"
"Yes, I was," he answered. "But, where did you get that rowboat?"
"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the software engineer.
"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."
"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," the software engineer said.
"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked.
The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid around a Palm tree.
There stood an exquisite bungalow, painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, thanks," said the engineer. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the software engineer replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."
"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered, not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom, and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the engineer continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too ... isn't here something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now?"
"Yes, there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just ... well, it was impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.
The software engineer, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean ... you actually figured out a way we can check our e-mail!!!"
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