9th Nov 2016
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Friday Funnies: plurals – according to George Carlin
English spelled out in wooden letters

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger. Let’s face it – English is a crazy language – with plenty of leeway for laughs, especially when George Carlin has his way with it!

•••

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.?

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,?

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.?

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,?

Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,?

Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen??

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,?

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet??

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,?

Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,?

Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,?

And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.?

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,?

But though we say mother, we never say methren.?

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,?

But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. ?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; ?

Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. ?

English muffins weren’t invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,?

We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, ?

And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.?

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, ?

Grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend??

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,?

What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? ?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. ?

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship…?

We have noses that run and feet that smell.?

We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.?

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,?

While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language?

In which your house can burn up as it burns down,?

In which you fill in a form by filling it out,?

And in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing…

If Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop?

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

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    COMMENTS

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    18th Nov 2016
    10:40am
    Brilliant, now that's what I call entertainment!

    More of this, thank you!
    CindyLou
    18th Nov 2016
    10:46am
    Excellent
    Rosret
    18th Nov 2016
    11:30am
    :)
    Eddy
    18th Nov 2016
    12:28pm
    The same George Carlin who said " the upper class take all the money and don't pay taxes, the middle class do all the work and pay all the taxes, and the lower classes are to scare the shit out of the middle class".
    Look him up on YouTube, a very funny man. Unfortunately now deceased, I would have liked. to hear his views on D J Trump.
    Golden Oldie
    18th Nov 2016
    4:37pm
    Brilliant and that is why it is so difficult to learn English as a second language, on spelling, in pronunciation, and in making sense of the words. Absolutely no rules.
    Yvonne
    19th Nov 2016
    8:54am
    So true, love it!
    A. N. Onymous
    19th Nov 2016
    1:13pm
    Years ago a Rotary exchange student from Germany said to us, "I don't like exercise because I don't like to sweat" (pronouncing it "sweet").

    It was amusing but educational. We buy meat from the butcher, not met, don't we? And as summer begins, we'll have to put up with the heat, not het.

    So many comparisons of "...eat" words. Sweat, meat -- how about great? We have a great (sounding like grate) time, not a gret one or a greet one.

    Aul ov us cood right (oar rite) sumthing like Carlin's, iff oui tride.
    Funny face
    19th Nov 2016
    9:14pm
    So funny, so true! Very enjoyable
    MiteMike
    20th Nov 2016
    6:36pm
    I have said for many years - If the instructions say "FILL OUT THE FORM" I should send back a blank sheet of paper!

    IF YOU FILL OUT A FORM YOU CANT BE WRONG IN WHAT YOU SAY (You are saying nothing)

    PS. I believe Australia FILLS IN A FORM but America FILLS OUT A FORM
    (they are a little strange! - the CREATOR OF THE FORM is saying they know more about you than you do!) )


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