Famous funny quotes

Lady Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.
Winston Churchill: If you were my wife, I’d drink it.

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Katharine Hepburn so hated filming a movie with John Barrymore that she declared, ‘Mr. Barrymore, I am never going to act with you again.’
‘My dear, you still haven’t,’ Barrymore replied.

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To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. – Oscar Wilde, playwright

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Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women. – Nicole Hollander, cartoonist

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Want to know what God thinks of money? Look at the people he gave it to. – Dorothy Parker, writer

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I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road. – Stephen Hawking, physicist

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Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell, actor

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He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. – Molly Ivins, author

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All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening. – Alexander Woollcott, actor

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Never follow someone else’s path; unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path, then by all means, you should follow that. – Ellen DeGeneres, entertainer

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She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation. – Jean Webster, author

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God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful that man might love her; and foolish that she might love him. – Tara Reid, actress

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People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. – Isaac Asimov, writer and biochemist

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Wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy. – Benjamin Franklin, US statesman

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The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him. – Cher, actress and singer

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He suffers from delusions of adequacy. – Walter Kerr, writer

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The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. – Helen Hayes, actress

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If you’re gonna be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty. – Marilyn Monroe, actress

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The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him. – Oscar Wilde, playwright

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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. – Lucille Ball, actress

Written by Liv Gardiner

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