Rene Descartes was at a party when the waiter asked if he would care for a hors d’oeuvre. Descartes said, “I think not.” And disappeared.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks at the other and asks, “Does this taste funny to you?”
A man goes ice fishing for the first time. He walks out onto the ice and hears a booming voice proclaim, “There are no fish under the ice.”
He ignores the voice and proceeds to cut a hole in the ice and throw his line in.
Again, he hears the booming voice, “There are no fish under the ice!”
The man looks up and nervously asks, “God?”
“No, this is the rink manager!”
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook on one hand and a wooden leg.
“Matey, what happened to ya?” asks Morty.
Sol replies, “Well, my pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off my leg. So now I have this wooden peg in its place.”
“And your hand?” asks Morty.
“When my ship sank, a shark bit my leg off. So now I’ve got me a hook.”
“Arrh okay, but what about the eye patch?”
Sol replies, “I was standing on a deck, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
Confused, Morty asked, “But you don’t go blind from seagull poop do ya?”
“No,” admitted Sol, “but it was my first day with the hook.”
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Give me a beer and a mop.”
Two racehorses are in the stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race …”
“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.
“Yeah, before that last race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.”
The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.”
A dog walking by hears them and says, “You idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug that makes you run faster!”
One horse turns to the other and screams, “Argh! A talking dog!”
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