A man boards a plane when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realises his seat is right next to the Pope. The man, though, is too shy to speak to His Holiness. Shortly after take-off, the Pope takes a crossword puzzle out of his bag and begins pencilling in the answers. “This is fantastic!” thinks the man. It crosses his mind that if the Pope gets stuck, he would ask him for assistance.
Almost as if by providence, the Pope turns to the man and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?” The three Cardinals, sitting behind, in front of and beside him, shrink down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.
The man is in morbid shock. He can’t breathe. He goes within himself, thinking deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil part in his mind and the sun shines in. Turning to the Pope, the man says, “I believe, Your Holiness, that you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.”
“Of course,” the Pope muses, not taking his gaze off the crossword. “You wouldn’t have an eraser, would you?”
Two old women are outside their nursing home having a smoke when it starts to rain. One of the women pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
Lady 1: What’s that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, the 80-year-old woman hobbles into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist looks at her strangely, but politely asks what brand she prefers, to which she replies: “It doesn’t matter, as long as it fits a Camel.”
A man walks into a bar with his monkey.
While at the bar, the monkey won’t stop jumping around causing chaos, and he eventually swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender says to the monkey’s owner: “Did you see what your monkey did? He ate a pool ball.”
The man says: “I’m sorry, the monkey is a troublemaker. I’ll pay for it, don’t worry.”
So he pays the bill and goes away.
The next day, he comes back with his monkey. The monkey again starts jumping around and stops near a plate of olives. He picks out one olive, shoves it towards his behind and then takes it back and eats it.
The bartender says: “Did you see what your monkey did? He put an olive in his behind then ate it.”
The man says: “Well, after that pool ball, he’s learnt to measure everything before eating it.”