Laughs from behind the pulpit deliver real rib-ticklers.
Why do we find it particularly funny when men and women of God find themselves in dubious circumstances? Is it because we assume that they are above the foibles of mere mortals and when we discover that they are human after all, it brings us great relief? The huge popularity of television series such as The Vicar of Dibley and Father Ted are evidence that we find compromised clergy very comical indeed. Do you find these anecdotes about priests and vicars rib-tickling?
A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest: “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest asked: “What do you mean, almost?”
The man replied: “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said: “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.”
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying: “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The man replied: “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
A lady goes to her parish priest to ask for advice. She says: “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They say, hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” the woman said embarrassed.
“That's obscene!” the priest exclaimed.
After a minute, he said: “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots who I taught to read the Bible and pray. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and I'm sure they will stop talking like that.”
The woman thanked the priest and next day she took her parrots to his house.
As he ushered her in, she saw his parrots were holding their rosary beads and praying.
She walked over to their cage and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed in unison: “Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
After a stunned silence, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said: “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
A priest was talking to a group of school children about ‘being good’ and going to heaven.
At the end of his talk, he asked the group: “Where do you want to go?”
“Heaven! Heaven!” yelled little Sally.
“And what do you have to be to get there?” asked the priest.
“Dead!” yelled little Johnny.
A girl knelt in the confessional and said: “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is it, child?” the priest asked.
“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am,” the girl confessed.
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said: “My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin – it's only a mistake.”
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the church.
He sees a fully equipped bar with ale on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
“Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
The priest yells: “Get out. You're on my side.”
The priest in a small village loved the rooster and hens he kept in the coop behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so during mass he asked the congregation: “Has anybody got a cock?”
All the men stood up.
“No, no,” he said. “That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”
All the women stood up.
“No, no,” he said. “That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?”
Half the women stood up.
“No, no,” he said. “That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?”
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
When the church is struck by lightning and burns down, the insurance company refuses to pay up because of the policy’s disclaimer that says an act of God, which includes lightning, is excluded from claims.
The pastor goes to every household and asks for a donation to rebuild the church.
One member of the congregation protests: “I'm sorry, Pastor, but I can't give money to somebody who set his own house alight!”
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