A magician, a parrot and a clever computer feature in this week’s best jokes.
One day, Joe complained to his friend, ‘My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor.’
His friend advised him against that. “There is a computer at the drugstore that will diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor,” he said. “Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.”
Joe figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with urine and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noises and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW. SOAK YOUR ARM IN WARM WATER. AVOID HEAVY LABOR. IT WILL BE BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, Joe began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, poured the sample in the machine and deposited $10.
The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
YOUR TAP WATER IS TOO HARD – GET A WATER FILTER.
YOUR DOG HAS WORMS – GIVE IT WORMING TABLETS.
YOUR DAUGHTER IS USING COCAINE – PUT HER IN REHAB.
YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT, TWINS. THEY ARE NOT YOURS – GET A LAWYER.
AND IF YOU DON’T STOP MASTURBATING, YOUR ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.
Two Mafia hitmen are walking through the forest at night when one of them says, "I have to admit, it's pretty scary out here."
The other replies, "Well, how do you think I feel then? I have to walk back alone."
Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald duck."
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?'
The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing.
Then, one day, the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing.
Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'
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