A drunk in a bar is yelling “All lawyers are thieves”.
The guy sitting next to him says, “Whoa, easy there, buddy.”
The drunk says, “Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m a thief” says the guy.
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Genie: “Okay, what’s your wish?”
Man: “I wish I was a star.”
Gen*e: “We*rd, but okay.”
A man wakes up after a big night on the drink. With his head pounding, he smells coffee and bacon and eggs cooking. He staggers downstairs to find his wife making breakfast, the papers on the counter and a tall, cool glass of water in her hand for him. He stumbles over and takes the glass from her expecting the worst, but she smiles, gives him a kiss on the cheek and tells him to relax and she will bring him his breakfast when it’s ready. He timidly asks what happened when he got home the night before.
She said, “Well, you were in quite a state and couldn’t get yourself undressed to go to bed. When I tried to help you out of your clothes you shouted, ‘Get your filthy hands off me … I’m married’, then you passed out.”
A guy sits on a plane and realises he’s sitting beside the Pope. He is too intimidated to say anything but after a while the Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me my son, but I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck. The clue is ‘a four-letter word that you can call a woman’ and it ends with U-N-T.”
The man sits for a minute, stumped, until he exclaims, “Aha! I got it!! It’s aunt. A-U-N-T!”
The Pope smiles and claps his hands. “Wonderful!! That must be it!! Thank you! One more thing my son, would you happen to have an eraser?”
A man in a pub asks for a beer. The barman says, “Sure, that’ll be one dollar.”
“One dollar?” exclaims the man.
Reading the menu, he says, “Could I have steak and chips?”
“Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be two dollars.”
“Two dollars?” cries the man. “You’re joking. Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman says, “Upstairs, with my wife”.
The man says, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The barman says, “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”
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