Friday Funnies: Jesus takes on the devil

Jesus challenges the devil in this week’s best Bible jokes.

Friday Funnies: Jesus v the devil

Jesus challenges the devil to the final decider of who is the best and most powerful: in a computing competition. They sit down at their keyboards and type away.
They type. They fax. They email. They email with attachments. They download. They do spreadsheets. They write reports. They create labels and cards. They create charts and graphs. They do some genealogy reports. They do every job known to man. 
Jesus works with heavenly efficiency and Satan is faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time is up, lightning suddenly flashes, and the power goes off. 
Satan stares at his blank screen and screams every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighs.
Finally, the electricity comes back on, and they restart their computers. Satan searches frantically, screaming: "Gone! It's all GONE!! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly starts printing out all his files from the past two hours of work. Satan sees this and becomes irate. "Wait!" he screams, "that's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?" 
God shrugs and says: "Well, Jesus saves." 

******* 

A woman bakes a cake for a church bazaar to donate and raise money for the church. Upon taking it out of the oven she drops it and the centre of the cake falls to the floor, ruined.

With no time to make another cake, she places a roll of tissue paper in the centre and slathers icing all over the top. She then sends her daughter to deliver the cake, and gives her money, with explicit instructions to present the cake for sale and then to immediately buy it back.

A great idea. But unfortunately it doesn’t go to plan and the cake is immediately bought by someone else.

The following day, the woman goes to play bridge. There, on the hostess's table, is the woman’s cake. She is mortified, knowing what is inside it.

Knowing her staring eyes had been noticed, she quickly says: "Oh my, what a beautiful cake!" The hostess replies without batting an eyelid: "Thank you, I baked it myself."

******

One Saturday, the minister’s five-year-old daughter complains of a stomach ache to her mother. Her mother replies: "That's because you have an empty stomach. You need to feed it something."

The next day, her father sits down after a long sermon and complains of a headache. His daughter replies: "That's because you have nothing in your head. You need to feed it something." 

******** 

Four-year-old James is listening to his dad read him a Bible story: “A man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee from the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” Rather concerned by this, James asks: “What happened to the flea?” 

******** 

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah – he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

Q. Where was the first baseball game in the Bible?

A. In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

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    COMMENTS

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    Glenda
    15th Mar 2018
    11:50pm
    Hi,
    I usually enjoy your "Friday Funnies" but this time YourLife Choices didn't make the mark for me, my family and friends with its "Jesus takes on the devil" sick sense of humour. I am a Christian and I found it offensive and distasteful that your magazine should resort and lower itself to attempting such a poor and non-creative sense of insulting humour on Christianity. Would you ever consider publishing "humour"/"Friday Funnies" with similar inferences on other divine deities from other religions??? I bet not!! My family, friends and I found nothing funny about your "Jesus takes on the devil" article - as I said earlier, it was an insult to Christianity and we ask that you please be sensitive and respectful of our Christian religion and refrain from publishing such Christianity targeted "humour" which is not humour at all.
    Ausdigga
    6th May 2018
    3:45pm
    My aren't we the prickly one then ????
    Lighten up
    16th Mar 2018
    4:31am
    Oh God. Though I found the comment funnier than the joke.


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