A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says: "Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me, Master!"
His master asks him: "Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs while the sun sets, with no apparent purpose to them?"
"And have you seen the moon reflect upon the still surface of the lake, a mere reflection, and contemplated the meaning of it?"
"And have you seen the flock of birds flying across the sky at sunset, and wondered about their purpose in life?"
"That's your problem! You keep looking at useless stuff instead of practising!"
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts $5 in one hand and two $1 coins in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the coins and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the coins instead of the $5 note?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the $5, the game is over!”
One day, Paddy, Seamus and Conor are working on a power line. The three of them have been co-workers for years and are great friends, until Paddy falls off the tower and dies.
Grief-stricken, the two friends look at each other. "Aw, hell," Seamus says, "Someone's going to have to inform his wife."
Conor nods and replies, "I've always been good at the sensitive stuff. I'll do it."
Later that day, Seamus notices Conor walking down the street carrying a slab of beer. "Conor," he says, "Where'd you get that case of beer? I thought you were going to talk to Paddy's wife today."
"I did," Conor says. "I went up to her door and said, 'you must be Paddy's widow!' She told me, 'you must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.' So I said, 'I'll bet you a case of beer that you are'!"
Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what colour your underwear is."
She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." Then, before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess: "Blue."
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well, come with me out to my dad’s car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money," Johnny says. She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That sneaky kid! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see up your skirt before the end of the day!"
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