A doctor asked a 75-year-old man to provide a sperm sample as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said: "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day, the man retunred to the doctor's office and handed over the jar, which was empty. When asked what happened, the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, then with both hands still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked!
"You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied: "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
A man was walking along Bondi beach deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he says: "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sunny sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said: "Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord replied: "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports will have to reach down to the bottom of the Tasman Sea. Just think about the amount of concrete and steel that would have to be used! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. He finally said: "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' and how I can make them truly happy."
The Lord replied, "Do you want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.
He was finally cured and set free, but immediately came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said: "There's a chicken outside."
Doctor: "But sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn?"
Patient: "Of course I know that! But does the chicken know?"
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