A faulty Ouija board and a thirsty gorilla feature in this week’s best jokes.
I bought a Ouija board recently from a strange old man. I took it home, laid out the pieces and before I could even ask it a question, the planchette started to move around, eventually spelling:
‘I'VE GOT A MESSAGE TO YOU’
'What is your message?' I asked.
‘YOU SHOULD BE DANCING’
Fear started flushing over me. I asked, 'Why should I be dancing?'
I became frightened. I needed to get to the bottom of this. 'You're talking gibberish,' I said.
‘JIVE TALKIN. HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE? STAYING ALIVE ...’
'God damn it!' I shouted. That old geezer sold me a Bee Gee board!
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?"
God said, “Go down into that valley.”
Adam said, "What’s a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What’s a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill …"
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave. "
Adam said, "What’s a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave, you will find a woman".
Adam said, "What’s a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well.
Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. In about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it?"
Adam said, "What's a headache?"
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." He mixes the martini. He then walks back over to give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar note. Now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had $20 to pay for it.
In amazement, he takes the money and walks to the cash register to get the change. While he is standing in front of the cash register, he stops for a second and thinks to himself: "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
He walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything; he just sits there sipping his martini. After a few minutes, the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
The gorilla says, "At $19 a drink, I'm not surprised."
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