A man discovers the perfect cover for his affair in this week’s best jokes.
On the border of a small Aussie town, there was a big, old macadamia tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket of macadamia nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'
He knew what he’d heard. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?' When the boy insisted, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard: 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord’.
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard: 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done ...’
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The Pope and President Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Mr. Trump and says: "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Trump replied: "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped him.
Tom and Sarah decided that they were in need of a long vacation. After having their two boys, Cole and Benny, they had not had a chance to really get away and enjoy some time alone. They booked a month-long vacation to tour Europe and called the grandparents to take care of the boys and their dog, Spot.
They explained to the kids that they wouldn't be able to talk to them all the time because their phones wouldn't work. However, they promised to call at least every few days. A week into their vacation, Sarah wanted to see how the family was doing so she called them from the hotel.
Benny, who had just recently turned 10, picked up the phone. Sarah was delighted to hear him so she asked how things were going. Benny replied bluntly, "Spot died." Sarah burst into tears, and Tom, who had overheard the conversation, picked up the phone to talk to Benny.
"Benny," Tom said, "you know how much your mom loved Spot. You have to be more careful how you tell her things. You should have started slowly. When we called you today, you should have said that Spot keeps playing in the street. When we call you again next week, you say that he was hit by a car. In two weeks, you tell us that he is at the vet and that it doesn't look good. Finally, at the end of our vacation, you tell us that he passed away softly. This is called tact."
"Alright, Dad," Benny replied, "I'm sorry. I understand."
"Good," Dad responded, "So, how is everything else? How is grandma doing?"
Benny replied reassuringly, "Oh, she keeps playing in the street."
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