A wife loses her husband in a shopping centre in this week’s best jokes.
Guy: ‘Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom never broke. How is it possible?’
Doctor: ‘Let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion and killed it!’
Guy: ‘Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion.’
Doctor: ‘Good! You understood the story. Next patient, please.’
A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed, and as the wife wandered around, she lost her husband in the throng. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry. "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then, the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard. As the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks, 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks, 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks, 'I bet that Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks, 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French guy again.'
An elderly woman went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old woman then said to the doctor: “I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The woman frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take an aspirin when he has a headache.”
“Well,” the doctor continued, “Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The woman was delighted and left the doctor’s office quickly.
Weeks later, the woman returned to the doctor’s office. She was frowning and the doctor asked her if it worked. “Yes,” the woman replied, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”
“Then, what is the problem?”
“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”
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