Friday Funnies: Can you get married in heaven?

St Peter struggles for answers to the big questions in this week’s best jokes.

st peter at the pearly gates

A man and a woman on their way to get married are involved in a car crash and killed instantly. They then find themselves standing in front of St Peter at the pearly gates.

St Peter says:, "Welcome! You have both lived good lives and are welcome into heaven!"

The man says: "That's wonderful, but we were on our way to our wedding to be betrothed, is it possible to still get married in heaven?"

St Peter says: "I've never been asked that before, wait here and I'll check.”

St. Peter leaves and is gone for a really long time.

He finally returns saying, "Good news! You can indeed get married in heaven!"

The man replies: "That's great news, but while you were gone we were discussing if it doesn't work out, could we still get a divorce?"

St Peter takes his clipboard and slams it on the podium exclaiming, "I just spent 10 hours looking for a priest, do you know how long it's going to take to find a lawyer?!?"

•••

A man asked his daughter if she had seen his newspaper. She told him that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed him her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

•••

When a couple arrive at hospital to have their baby delivered, the doctor tells them he has invented a new machine that can transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asks if they were willing to try it and they both agree.

The doctor sets the pain transfer to 10 per cent for starters, explaining that it was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labour progresses, the husband feels fine and asks the doctor to kick it up a bit. The doctor then adjusts the machine to 20 per cent pain transfer. The husband still feels fine. The doctor checks the husband’s blood pressure and is amazed at how well he is taking the pain.

They then try 50 per cent and the husband continues to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was helping out the wife considerably, the husband encourages the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him and the wife delivers a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband are ecstatic.

When they get home, they find the postman dead on the porch.

•••

It’s the day of the Grand Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the action. He notices that the seat next to him is empty. Leaning over, he asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbour. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the final and not use it?”

The neighbour says: “Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible … But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

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    COMMENTS

    To make a comment, please register or login
    Rosret
    23rd Jun 2017
    1:09pm
    I was sent a fun one yesterday to share:
    Subject: Pensioner's reply re Supermarket ban
    Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local supermarket
    Store buying a large bag of Dog food for my loyal pet and was
    in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..

    What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
    little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
    starting the Dog food Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t,
    because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I
    woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
    and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
    it works is to load your pockets with Doggie nuggets and simply eat
    one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
    complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
    mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with
    my story.)
    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
    food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an
    Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
    laughing so hard. I'm now banned from my local supermarket. Better watch what you
    ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of
    daft things to say.
    Yer man
    23rd Jun 2017
    3:40pm
    Recent competition to determine the meanings of some similar words in the English language. The contestants were asked to explain in simple terms the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. The winner received a 5 minute ovation , a case of scotch and a trip around the World
    'If you marry the right woman you are COMPLETE
    If you marry the wrong woman you are FINISHED.
    If the right woman finds out you have been with the wrong woman .
    You are COMPLETELY FINISHED.'
    TREBOR
    1st Aug 2017
    4:14am
    By the same reasoning, Mick - we should be compelling all companies and corporations and individuals to spend all their 'profit' here in Australia....

    Or does that 'global economy' only apply to corporations and companies, rich individuals, and poorer people's jobs which some now describe as a 'commodity', and not to pensioners and social security beneficiaries?
    TREBOR
    1st Aug 2017
    4:15am
    How did that get there? Bloody computers....
    TREBOR
    2nd Oct 2017
    12:00pm
    You've been reading my short stories again...
    41Alpha
    1st Nov 2017
    3:47pm
    Mugabe ( zimbabwe prime minister ) dies and goes to heaven,....St.Peter checks his computer at the 'pearly gates' and informs Mugabe, there has been an error and before Mugabe can argue about his status, St. Peter pushes a button and Mugabe ends up in Hell.

    Satan welcome Mugabe, but mugabe tell him he is happy to be in Hell, but he has left his suit cases in Heaven.
    Satan, tells Mugabe , not to worry, he will send a couple of little devil's to Heaven to collect his suitcases.

    The 'little devils get to heaven, but unfortunately is was lunch time and the gates were closed. One little devil says to the other, I don't feel good being here, why don't we scale the fence and grab the suitcases.

    So they starts climbing over the fence and St. Peter notices them........he says " I can't believe this........Mugabe has been in hell for a few minutes....and already we are getting refugees !!!


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