St Peter struggles for answers to the big questions in this week’s best jokes.
A man and a woman on their way to get married are involved in a car crash and killed instantly. They then find themselves standing in front of St Peter at the pearly gates.
St Peter says:, "Welcome! You have both lived good lives and are welcome into heaven!"
The man says: "That's wonderful, but we were on our way to our wedding to be betrothed, is it possible to still get married in heaven?"
St Peter says: "I've never been asked that before, wait here and I'll check.”
St. Peter leaves and is gone for a really long time.
He finally returns saying, "Good news! You can indeed get married in heaven!"
The man replies: "That's great news, but while you were gone we were discussing if it doesn't work out, could we still get a divorce?"
St Peter takes his clipboard and slams it on the podium exclaiming, "I just spent 10 hours looking for a priest, do you know how long it's going to take to find a lawyer?!?"
A man asked his daughter if she had seen his newspaper. She told him that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed him her iPad.
That fly didn’t stand a chance.
When a couple arrive at hospital to have their baby delivered, the doctor tells them he has invented a new machine that can transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asks if they were willing to try it and they both agree.
The doctor sets the pain transfer to 10 per cent for starters, explaining that it was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labour progresses, the husband feels fine and asks the doctor to kick it up a bit. The doctor then adjusts the machine to 20 per cent pain transfer. The husband still feels fine. The doctor checks the husband’s blood pressure and is amazed at how well he is taking the pain.
They then try 50 per cent and the husband continues to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was helping out the wife considerably, the husband encourages the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him and the wife delivers a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband are ecstatic.
When they get home, they find the postman dead on the porch.
It’s the day of the Grand Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the action. He notices that the seat next to him is empty. Leaning over, he asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbour. “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the final and not use it?”
The neighbour says: “Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible … But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?”
The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
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