Friday Funnies: Golfers, God and the greater good

A blonde teaches a lawyer something new in this week’s best jokes.

golf god

An elderly golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard when his club fell into the water.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The golfer replied his club had fallen into water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meagre pension.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, "No".

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.

Again, the golfer replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.

Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the same water hazard, and she fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Elle McPherson. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the golfer.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Elle McPherson, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that's why I said yes to Elle McPherson."

And God was pleased. The moral of this story is: if a golfer ever lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and only out of consideration for others.

•••

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Melbourne to Perth. The lawyer asks her if she wants to play a fun game. The blonde, who is tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to sleep. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out $5 and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references …  no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net, but he still can’t find the answer. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde says, "thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

•••

A man runs into a bar and hurriedly orders the barman to pour him 20 shots of his best single malt scotch whiskey. The bartender hurries and pours the man the 20 shots, and the man quickly takes down each one.

The bartender says, "wow, I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"

The man says, "well, you'd drink fast too, if you had what I had ... "

The bartender says, "my God, what is it? What do you have?"

The man replies, "50 cents."

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    COMMENTS

    To make a comment, please register or login
    Stoney
    17th Sep 2017
    3:14pm
    Maybe this is pedantic, but 'Scotch' and 'Whisky' are protected trademarks, whereas 'Whiskey' covers bourbons and all other types of whiskey produced outside of Scotland.
    Yer man
    11th Nov 2017
    3:30pm
    Lady golfer slices her tee shot. She hears an almighty yell from an adjacent fairway. She sees a male golfer writhing in agony hands between his legs. She rushes over apologising profusely explains that she is a nurse and knows what to do. She unzips his fly and starts massaging .
    'How does that feel now ?"
    'Fantastic ! But my thumb is still sore "


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