15th Feb 2019
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Friday Funnies: How Grandpa keeps his cool
Author: Janelle Ward

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits … you name it.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long ... easy, boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

“Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin!”

•••

From YourLifeChoices member lindyloo:

When my son was in grade one, the teacher asked each child if they would like to tell the class what work their mum did. My little five-year-old said, "Every night my mum gets dressed up in her special dress and puts on lipstick and drives off. She doesn't come back till morning and is very tired. She has to go so people will give her some money.

When I picked up my son from school that afternoon, the teacher looked at me and tentatively asked me what sort of work I did. She seemed relieved to hear I was a night duty nurse!

•••

How did our grandparents kill time when there were no smartphones and internet?

I already asked my mom, her four sisters and five brothers.

•••

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.

“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."

•••

A police officer stops a car going 150km/h when the speed limit is 110km/h. The officer asks the man driving if he realises he was speeding.

The man replies, "Look right there – that sign says the speed limit is 150."

The officer explains that that's the highway number, not the speed limit. As he says this, he looks in the back of the car and sees an elderly woman breathing very heavily.

The officer asks her if she's okay and she says, "Yes, we just got off of highway 195.”

•••

•••

Johnny says he’s safe at home at last after a series of break-ins in his suburb. Here’s what he did.

“I took down my flag and disconnected my home alarm system.

“I bought two Syrian flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.

“Then I bought the black flag of ISIS and ran it up the flag pole.

“Now the local police, ASIO and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.

“I've never felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month on the home security service.

“Plus, I bought burkas to wear when I shop or travel.

“Everyone moves out of the way, and security can't pat me down.

“If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.

“Hot damn. Safe at last!”

Do you have a favourite joke to share?

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