Friday Funnies: 12 things my mum taught me

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Find out how a dad outsmarts his son, the difference between heaven and hell and a mum’s valuable lessons.

Letter home from school

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Your $on.

A week later . . .

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurs student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

The difference between heaven and hell

Heaven is a place where the police are English, the chefs are Italian,
the car mechanics are German, the lovers are French and it’s all organised by the Swiss.

Hell is a place where the police are German, the chefs are English,
the car mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and it’s all organised by the Italians.

12 things my mum taught me

1. Appreciate a job well done
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside; I’ve only just finished cleaning.”

2. Time travel
“If you don’t behave, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

3. Logic
“Because I said so, that’s why!”

4. Foresight
“Make sure you’ve got clean underwear on in case you’re in an accident.”

5. Osmosis
“Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.”

6. Contortion
“Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck.”

7. Stamina
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is finished.”

8. Terrorism
“Your room looks like a bomb’s hit it.”

9. Solving physics problems
“If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, THEN would you listen?”

10. Oxymorons
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – don’t exaggerate.”

11. Improvement by example
“Stop acting like your father.”

12. Envy
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have parents as good as yours!”


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