31 flavours of Friday Funnies

Font Size:

It’s the 31st of the month, so we’re celebrating with 31 flavours of Friday Funnies so deliciously funny, you’ll never forget them.

•••

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play should have a cast.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
She was going through a stage.

There are many jokes about unemployed people.
Sadly, none of them work.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type.
Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: you get what you deserve.

A woman in labour shouted out “Shouldn’t! Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor to the husband. “Those are just the contractions.”

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and ——— cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asked the bartender.
“I’m not sure,” said the bear. “I was born with them.”

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.

What’s an astronaut’s favourite part on a computer?
The space bar.

Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.

Where are average things made?
In the satisfactory.

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
Because he drank coffee before it was cool.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
Because they take things literally.

A man walks into a doctor’s office and says “Help me, doc. I’m addicted to Twitter.”
The doctor replies “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
The cat has claws at the end of its paws, the comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

What did the tin man say when he was flattened by a steamroller?
Curses, foil again!

What did the bald man say when he received a comb as a present?
Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.

What did one hat say to the other?
Wait here, I’ll go on a head.

What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little hoarse.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?
Because the ‘P’ is silent.

Why did the yoghurt go to the art gallery?
Because it was cultured.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
A re-Morse code.

Join YourLifeChoices today
and get this free eBook!

Join
By joining YourLifeChoices you consent that you have read and agree to our Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

RELATED LINKS

Friday Funnies: Library meal

Laugh out loud at this week's Friday Funnies

Friday Funnies: Mums do battle

Most mothers love bragging about their children, but has one mum missed the point?

Friday Funnies: The key to being a good bible salesperson

Selling isn't really that hard, as we find out in the week's Friday Funnies.

Written by Leon Della Bosca

Leon Della Bosca is a voracious reader who loves words. You'll often find him spending time in galleries, writing, designing, painting, drawing, or photographing and documenting street art. He has a publishing and graphic design background and loves movies and music, but then, who doesn’t?

Contact:
LinkedIn
Email

0 Comments

Total Comments: 0

    FACEBOOK COMMENTS



    SPONSORED LINKS

    continue reading

    Age Pension payment rates

    Age Pension and supplements set to increase this month

    More than five million Australians have received welcome news with an increase to their social security payments from 20 March...

    Finance News

    Financial planners know they need to build trust with retirees

    Financial planners know they must win us over. They know they must find new ways to help retirees sustain an...

    Health

    The 'big O' and ageing - what to expect

    A client recently told me that she "always had ripper orgasms, but they seemed to be getting more intense" as...

    Finance

    Avoid these products at the dollar store

    Discount retailers that sell inexpensive household items might seem like the ideal place to find bargains but not every product...

    Health

    The easy way to get medication delivered to your door

    Australians will be able to access their medications and over-the-counter remedies by ordering online or downloading the new Chemist2U app....

    Nutrition

    Do you really need breakfast? Or three meals a day?

    Is nothing sacred? Nine lifestyle writer Sarah Berry says we don't need three meals a day to be healthy. Older...

    Health

    How to spot the signs of stroke and reduce your risk

    Strokes might be something we tend to associate most with older generations, but some figures are painting a different story...

    Health

    Who needs a colonoscopy most? Ensuring those at risk head the queue

    Professor Jon EmeryMary was 55 when she started having on and off tummy pains, and noticed she needed to go...

    LOADING MORE ARTICLE...