A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to YOU?”Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. “I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow’s fanny.
Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!”
I don’t remember much after that”
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”
Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!”
“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!” says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” Says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”
The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”
Once there was a retired pirate so he decides to live with his brother.
The pirate walks up to his brothers house and knocks on the door and his brother answers the door and says, “Oh my gosh , what happened to your hand!?! ”
The pirate said, “I lost it in a sword fight , but now I have a hook.”
Then the brother said, “What about your leg?”
The pirate said, “A cannonball hit it , but now I have a peg leg .”
Then the brother said, “Well , what about your eye?”
The pirate said, “I got some dust in it .”
The brother said, “How could you lose your eye by just getting some dust in it?”
Then the pirate said, “It was my first day with my hook!