An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally .”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Sally said, “No”. Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ….” The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish!
One dog said to the other “Now i ask you. What kind of best friend would remove your testicals?”
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes.
A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin on St. Patty’s Day and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”
“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the man. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”