A really bad pun

Why she changed hotels

Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons inPalm Beachand was a bit lonely. I thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs and a dazzling smile… you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I’ll give him a call.

“Hello, ma’am, how may I help you?” He even sounded sexy!

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. We’ll go all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?”

He says, “Oh my god… that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

 

Gardening from afar

An elderly Italian lived alone inCarlton.

He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don’t dig up the garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area, without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.

The next day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie.

 

A really bad pun

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie’.

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down-payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unbeknownst to Artie, the proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS!’

 

Tea for two

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was “just the cutest thing!”. My Mum waited and, sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. My mum watches him drink it up, and then she says (as only a mother would know):

“Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

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