Animal Funnies

“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.”
“I know,” says the second owner.
“How do you know?”
“My dog told me.”


A lonely woman buys a parrot for companionship. After a week, the parrot hasn’t uttered a word, so the woman goes back to the pet store and buys it a mirror. Nothing. The next week, she brings home a little ladder. Polly is still incommunicative, so the week after that, she gives it a swing, which elicits not a peep. A week later, she finds the parrot on the floor of its cage, dying. Summoning up its last breath, the bird whispers, “Don’t they have any food at that pet store?”


A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, “My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” said the vet “let’s have a look at him” The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at his eyes.

“Well,” says the vet “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“Just because he’s cross-eyed?” asks the man.

“No, because he’s heavy,” says the vet.


“I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill