Friday Funnies: Sleep on this

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The experts say that as we age, our sleep patterns change and we often find we have sleep – or rather sleeplessness – issues. Here are some sleep jokes to help you pass the time.

•••

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me. I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the doc. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.

Six months later, the psychiatrist met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

•••

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question: “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Again, Molly is asleep, and Jack pokes her with his pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

“Correct again,” says the teacher.

The next day, Molly is again asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Jack pokes Molly with his pencil, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

•••

My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me. The other night, she called me at around 3am. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment. With all that adrenaline going through my system, I found it hard to go back to sleep.

•••

A cow is at his friend’s house for a sleepover party. Sadly, all of the beds are taken. Where does the cow sleep?

On the COWch (couch).

•••

A lady who was known as Churchill’s main rival in parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, “Mr Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?”

Sleepily, Churchill replied, “No, ma’am. I do so purely by choice.”

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Written by Janelle Ward

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