Classic funnies – just add beer and a barbie

We Aussies are known the world over for our love of beer and our great sense of humour, so it’s probably no surprise that there are some fantastic jokes around that combine the two, such as two of these three beauties.

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A woman was having a nice day in the city on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. And in the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 per cent. It was as if she was in a dream.

Then her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to visit a few more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a slice of delicious chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was having a great day.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition.

The lady doctor glared at her, shouting: “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the intensive care unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And YOU will now be his carer!”

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and cried.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, “I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. Show me what you bought.”

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Three blokes, Macca, Chook and Simmo, were working on a high-rise building project. Chook falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes away the body, Simmo says: “Someone should go and tell his wife.” Macca says: “Okay, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”

Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says: “Where did you get that, Macca?”

“Chook’s missus gave it to me,” said Macca.

“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?”

“Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her: ‘You must be Chook’s widow,'” said Macca.

“No, I’m not a widow,” she said.

And I said: “Wanna bet me a slab?”

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A man and his wife were sitting in the living room when he said to her: “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

With that, his wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.

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Do you have any favourite Aussie jokes you’d like to share with our members?

Written by Leon Della Bosca

Leon Della Bosca has worked in publishing and media in one form or another for around 25 years. He's a voracious reader, word spinner and art, writing, design, painting, drawing, travel and photography enthusiast. You'll often find him roaming through galleries or exploring the streets of his beloved Melbourne and surrounding suburbs, sketchpad or notebook in hand, smiling.
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