Collingwood’s football star

Find out what happened when the young Iraqi boy became Collingwood’s new football star and enjoy this cutting poem about the state of Australia in this week’s Friday Funnies.

An AFL story

Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Aussie rules and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood. He’s signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.

Two weeks later the magpies are down by six goals to Carlton with only 10 minutes left. The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation – kicks seven goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies! The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.

When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL. “Hello mum, guess what? I played for 10 minutes today, we were six goals down, but I kicked seven goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media…”

“Wonderful,” says his mum, “Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.”

The young Iraqi is very upset. “What can I say mum, I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry? You’re sorry?” says his mum, “It’s your bloody fault we moved
to Collingwood in the first place!”

An Aussie poem

When the shearing sheds are silent and the stock camps fallen quiet
When the gidgee coals no longer glow across the outback night
And the bush is forced to hang a sign, “gone broke and won’t be back”
And spirits fear to find a way beyond the beaten track

When harvesters stand derelict upon the wind swept plains
And brave hearts pin their hopes no more on chance of loving rains
When a hundred outback settlements are ghost towns overnight
When we’ve lost the drive and heart we had to once more see us right

When ‘Pioneer’ means a stereo and ‘Digger’ some backhoe
And the ‘Outback’ is behind the house, there’s nowhere else to go
And ‘Anzac’ is a biscuit brand and probably foreign owned
And education really means brainwashed and neatly cloned

When you have to bake a loaf of bread to make a decent crust
And our heritage once enshrined in gold is crumbling to dust
And old folk pay their camping fees on land for which they fought
And fishing is a great escape; this is until you’re caught

When you see our kids with Yankee caps and resentment in their eyes
And the soaring crime and hopeless hearts is no longer a surprise
When the name of RM Williams is a yuppie clothing brand
Not a product of our heritage that grew off the land

When offering a hand makes people think you’ll amputate
And two dogs meeting in the street is what you call a ‘Mate’
When ‘Political Correctness’ has replaced all common sense
When you’re forced to see it their way, there’s no sitting on the fence

Yes one day you might find yourself an outcast in this land
Perhaps your heart will tell you then, “I should have made a stand”
Just go and ask the farmers; that should remove all doubt
Then join the swelling ranks who say, “don’t sell Australia out!”