Doctor, doctor, I can’t stop laughing

Friday Funnies may put you in the emergency department this week with some good old patient–doctor banter. Here are our favourite doctor jokes. Try not to split your sides.

•••

Doctor: With a gut like that, I find it hard to believe that you work out.
Patient: But I exercise every day!
Doctor: What kind of exercises are you doing?
Patient: Well, I jump to conclusions, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

•••

A scientist tells a pharmacist: “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”

“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.
The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never remember the name.”

•••

In case you’re heading in for a colonoscopy any time soon, here are a list of phrases to avoid:
“Now I know how a Muppet feels.”
“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
“Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”

•••

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares: “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”

•••

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a snake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs 10 kilometres to a small town and finds that the only doctor there is delivering a baby.

“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.

“He says you’re gonna die.”

•••

Doctor, doctor, I’m addicted to break fluid.

Don’t be silly, you can stop at any time.

•••

Doctor, doctor, I feel like I’m a pair of curtains.

Just pull yourself together.

•••

Doctor, doctor, I’ve only got 59 seconds to live!

Hold on, I’ll be with you in a minute.

•••

Doctor, doctor, I think I need glasses!

You definitely do. This is a fish and chip shop.

•••

Doctor, doctor, aaa, eee, I, oooh, you …

Looks like you may have irritable vowel syndrome …

•••

Doctor, doctor, I’ve become a kleptomaniac.

Have you taken anything for it?

So far a TV, a wallet and a necklace.

•••

Doctor, doctor, what’s the quickest way to get to hospital?

Lie on the road outside.

 

Do you have any doctor jokes you’d like to share? As always, share them in the comment section bellow.

Written by Liv Gardiner

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