Feb Funnies

Three men were waiting at Heaven’s Gate. St. Peter says, “OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe.”

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, “How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?”

He nudges the babe and says, “Tell them.” She says to the first two guys, “I lied.”

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The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed and the town’s people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting… “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”

The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist’s fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor…

“Sh*t” said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

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Ol’ Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died.

He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”

He opened the note, and read out loud, “Hey, you’re standing on my oxygen tube?”

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