Friday funnies: Funniest gags

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

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China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means that even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

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A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, “No, let me see the next room.” In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. The guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, “Okay, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!”

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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head towards them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

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A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says slowly. “Paint … my … house.”

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Written by Liv Gardiner

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