Friday Funnies goes to Church

Much like Samson, this week’s Friday Funnies from laugh factory may just bring the house down

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There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?” The preacher calmly said, “No, God will save me.”

A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?” The preacher replied again, “No God will save me.”

Eventually the preacher drowned and went to heaven. The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?” God replied, “I tried! I sent you two boats!”

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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!” A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish’?” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.” The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.” He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f###ing potatoes!”

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A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, “I want to be gorgeous.” God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last 10 people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man’s turn came, he laughed and said, “I wish they were all ugly again.”

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An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, “I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?” The husband replies, “First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!”

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Hannah wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. “Who is the creator of the universe?” Joe was sitting next to Hannah and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Hannah jumped and yelled, “God almighty!” The teacher congratulated her.

A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Tell me who is our Lord and saviour?” Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!” The teacher congratulated her again.

Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?” Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!”

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Two guys are walking through a game park and they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.” He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”

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If Mary had Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin’! There’s no toilet paper on this side either!”

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One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed and shouted out, “Acts 2:38: ‘Repent and be baptised and your sins will be forgiven’.” The robber quickly gave up and the lady rang the police. While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, “Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?” The robber said, “She said she had an axe and two 38s!”

Are there any jokes we’ve missed? If so, share them with other members in the comment section below.

Written by Liv Gardiner

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