Friday Funnies goes to work

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an army base, the drill sergeant yelled, “All right! All you idiots fall out!” As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The drill instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of them, huh, sir?”

•••

An employee approached his boss and said, “I bet you $6000 I can piss in your cup from 30 metres away.”
The boss raised an eyebrow, and surprised but curious said, “Ok, I’d like to see you try.”
The employee places a cup 30 metres away, returns, aims and begins pissing all over the floor.
The boss grinned, “Ha! You just lost $6000!”
The secretary piped up from the corner, “God dammit!”
“What’s wrong?” asked the boss.
The secretary replied, “He bet me $200,000 that he could piss all over your floor and you’d be happy about it!”

•••

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor is shocked but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

•••

Being an astronaut is funny. It’s the only job where you get fired before you start work.

•••

When I lost my rifle, the army charged me $85. That’s why in the navy, the captain goes down with the ship. ­Comedian Dick Gregory

•••

Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer.
Doctor Paterson says, “I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetised.”
Doctor Fitzgerald says, “I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.”
Doctor Anne says, “I prefer lawyers. They’re easiest to treat. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless and spineless.”

•••

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It’s no good trying to outrun it. It’s catching up!”
The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I’m not trying to outrun the lion, I’m trying to outrun you!”

•••

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back and neck. The lawyer turns around. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m a chiropractor and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.”
“Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”

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Written by Liv Gardiner

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