Friday Funnies: Husband and wife hearing test

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A man calls the local police station and says, “I’m calling to report my neighbour Vince Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood! I don’t quite know how he gets it inside the logs, but he’s hiding it there.”

The next day, the police descend on Vince’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Vince and leave.

Shortly after that, the phone rings at Vince’s house.

“Hey, Vince! It’s Floyd … did the police come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep!”

“Happy birthday, buddy!”

•••

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test.

“Here is your first question,” the foreman says. “Without using numbers, represent the number nine.”

“Without numbers?” Paddy says. “That’s easy.” And he proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the boss asks.

“Have you no brain? Tree plus tree plus tree makes nine,” says Paddy.

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”

Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree and hands it back.

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

“Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree plus dirty tree plus dirty tree. That makes 99.”

“All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”

Paddy stares into space again; he then picks up the picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and hands it back.

The boss looks at Paddy’s picture. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”

Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, “a little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, which makes 100!”

•••

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there was a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea of her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do,” said the doctor, “stand about 15 metres away from her, and speak in a normal conversational speaking tone to see if she hears you.

If she doesn’t hear you, move to 10 metres away, then five metres away, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and her husband was in the den. He said to himself, “I’m about 15 metres away, let’s see what happens.”

Then in a normal tone, he asked, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?” No response.

So, the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 10 metres from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no response.

Next, he moves into the dining room where he is about five metres from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again, no response. So he walks up to the kitchen door, about three metres away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again, there is no response. So, he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

“Ralph, for the FIFTH time, it’s chicken.”

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