March 20, 2020 
A man asked a wise guru, “What is the secret to eternal happiness?”
The wise guru answered, “To not argue with fools.”
The man said, “I disagree.”
The wise guru replied, “Yes, you are right.”
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I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
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If four out of five people will suffer from diarrhoea … does that mean that one enjoys it?
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To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas and she told me, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace!” So, I bought her nothing.
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When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy is the medication they must be on.
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Don’t be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can’t fly.
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I’m very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far, I’ve got 12 new fridges.
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know, one would have been enough.”
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So why’s the groom wearing black?”
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Yes, money can’t buy you happiness. But it’s still a lot more comfortable to cry in a new BMW than on a bike.
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Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them!
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Today I donated my watch, phone and $500 to a poor man. You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
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My parents were just telling me, “You’ll never know true happiness until you get married.”
Yep, you never know what you’ve got till it’s gone.
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