A man was invited for dinner at a friend’s house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her ‘my love, ‘darling’, ‘sweetheart’, etc.
His friend looked at him and said, “That’s really nice after all of these years you’ve been married to keep saying those little pet names.”
The host said, “Well, honestly, I’ve forgotten her name.”
Man: I’d like to call you. What’s your number?
Woman: It’s in the phone book.
Man: But I don’t know your name.
Woman: That’s in the phone book too.
A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
“Well …” the man drawled. “Not bad at all, to be honest. The wife isn’t all that interested any more, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over 30 years old.”
“My goodness, Frank, and at your age, too?” the doctor said. “I hope you took at least some precautions.”
“Yep. I may be old, but I’m not senile yet, doc. I gave them all a fake name.”
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death – we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
Sherry bought a new book recently entitled What Twenty Million Women Want.
Seeing the title, Sean snatched the book out of her hand and started thumbing through the pages.
Astonished and a bit irritated, Sherry stared up at him and said, “What in the world are you doing?”
Sean replies, “I just want to see if they’ve got my name spelled right.”
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St Peter awaits him. St Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: I am the pope.
St Peter: Who? There’s no such name in my book.
The Pope: I’m the representative of God on Earth.
St Peter: Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me.
The Pope: But I am the leader of the Catholic Church.
St Peter: The Catholic church … never heard of it … wait, I’ll check with the boss.
St Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.
St Peter: There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth.
God: I don’t have a representative on earth, at last, not that I know of … wait, I’ll ask Jesus.
(yells for Jesus)
Jesus: Yes father, what’s up?
God and St Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.
Ten minutes pass and Jesus re-enters the room, laughing out loud. St Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.
Jesus: Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!
A doctor was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, he said: “You are so obsessed with eating you’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second mom: “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name: Penny.
He turns to the third mom: “Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers: “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”
While two families were waiting in line to see the Myer windows, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
“My name is Joshua. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.
“Adam,” replied the second.
“My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?” asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, “My daddy is a lawyer.”
“Honest?” asked Joshua.
“No, just the regular kind,” replied Adam.
Teacher: What is a comet?
Pupil: A star with a tail!
Teacher: Can you name one?
Teacher: Simon, can you spell your name backwards?
Simon: No Mis!
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