Friday Funnies: Pub jokes

A man sprints into a pub. Panting he says, “Give me 10 shots of your best whiskey!”
The bartender lines up 10 shot glasses on the bar and starts pouring.
“QUICK!” shouts the man. The bartender hurriedly pours the last shot and the man downs each one at lightning speed.
“Why are you drinking so fast?” asks the bartender.
“You’d drink fast too if you have what I have,” replies the man.
“What have you got?” the bartender asks.
“50 cents!” says the man.

•••

The local pub is called The Fiddle, but I never drink there.
It’s a vile inn.

•••

A man goes into a bar with his small pet newt called Tiny.
“A pint for me and a half for Tiny, please,” he says to the bartender.
The bartender asks, “Why do you name him Tiny?”
The many replies, “Because he’s my newt.” 

•••

A skeleton walks into a bar.
It says, “Give me a cider and a mop.”

•••

A lion walks into a pub and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs available?”
The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

••• 

Why is the sommelier the least liked employee at the pub?
Because all they do is wine.

•••

What goes well with coronavirus?
Lime disease.

•••

A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 

••• 

A trendy millennial walks into a pub. The bartender asks, “What can I get you?”
He says, “Do you have a vegan, gluten free, organic, locally sourced, politically correct drink?”
The bartender replies, “Yep sure. That’ll be $20”
After the millennial pays, the bartender grabs a glass, goes over to the tap and pours him a glass of water.

•••

The future, the present and the past walk into a pub. Things get a little tense.

•••

The secret to a happy marriage is to go out to dinner twice a week to flirt and have fun.
The wife goes on Mondays, I go on Fridays.

•••

Why does the bartender hate the gaggles who come for Sunday brunch?
They’re a cham-pain.

•••

Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my Rieslings.

•••

There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.

•••

In Queensland, getting served a beer is often no schooner said than done, while in Victoria it can be like watching pint dry.

Do you know any pub jokes we’ve overlooked? Share them with other YourLifeChoices readers in the comment section below. 

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Related articles:
https://www.yourlifechoices.com.au/fun/entertainment/the-funniest-antijokes-ever-told
https://www.yourlifechoices.com.au/fun/entertainment/friday-funnies-science-says
https://www.yourlifechoices.com.au/fun/entertainment/friday-funnies-funniest-gags

Written by Liv Gardiner

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