Friday Funnies: romance takes a wrong turn

Just because romance may fade over time doesn’t mean humour has to. 

•••

A woman comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?”

The woman says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old, I have the breasts of an eighteen year old.”

“Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?”

“Your name never came up in the conversation,” she replied.

•••

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8pm.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied, and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” his wife asked as he entered the house. “Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”

•••

You know you’re getting old when your wife says, “Honey, let’s run upstairs and make love,” and you answer: “I can’t do both.”

•••

A husband exclaims to his wife one day: “Your butt is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!” Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks. She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

•••

A woman in her 60s went to the doctor for a check-up.

“Doc, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s libido,” she asked.

The doctor smiled. “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

“Doc, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache!” the lady exclaimed.

“Well,” the doctor said, “Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. Stir it into his coffee. He won’t notice a thing.”

The woman was delighted and hurried home to test the doctor’s idea.

Weeks later, the woman returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked what was wrong.

“Your advice was terrible,” she responded.

“Did it not work?”

“Yes,” she said, “It worked alright. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table! It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”

“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”

“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in that restaurant again!”

Written by Liv Gardiner

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