A Polish immigrant went to apply for an Australian driving licence. The first thing he had to do was to sit an eye test. The instructor showed him a card with the letters ‘C Z W I N O S T A C Z.’
‘Can you read this?’ the instructor asked.
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’
Three men are stranded on an island full of cannibals. They meet the tribal chief and are told they must complete certain tasks each day and if they do not complete the tasks, they will be killed and eaten.
On the first day, the cannibals instruct the men to gather 10 of the same fruit of their choice, and that they will be given further instructions after that.
The first man comes back with 10 apples. The tribal chief of cannibals tells him to stick these up his butt without making noises or facial expressions. The man doesn’t get through the first fruit without letting out a scream. He is then killed and eaten.
The next man comes forth with grapes. He is given the same instructions. He gets through almost all of them, but then bursts out laughing. He is then killed and eaten.
In the afterlife, the first man asks the second man why he started laughing. The second guy responds, “I couldn’t help it, the next guy came along with pineapples!”
A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she is going on her first date. The grandmother says, “Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys. He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. Most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. Don’t let him do that; it will disgrace our family.”
Keeping this advice in mind, the virgin goes on her date and afterwards can hardly wait to tell her grandmother about it. “It went just like you said!” she says. “But I didn’t let him disgrace our family. When he tried that, I got on top of him and disgraced his family.”
A man walks into a restaurant with a fully-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.”
The waitress then turns to the emu.
“I’ll have the same,” says the emu.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $18.40, please.” The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.”
The emu says, “I’ll have the same.”
Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, “The usual?”
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad”, says the man.
“Me too,” says the emu.
The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $42.60.”
Once again, the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago, I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a litre of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the emu?”
The man sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”