Friday Funnies: The landlord

“Sir, you have to help me!” said a tearful man at the door. “There is a family I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The father has been out of a job for more than a year, they have five kids at home with barely anything to eat. The worst part is, they are about to be kicked onto the street without a roof over their heads!” the man concluded with a heart-wrenching sob.

“Well,” said the man at the door, “that really is a sad story. Come inside and we can talk about it more.”

Once both men were seated, he asked, “So, how much money is needed exactly?”

“Well,” sobbed the man, “just for the rent they need $3000 by tomorrow, or else they’ll be kicked onto the street!”

“How do you know so much about the situation?” asked the man as he reached for his cheque book.

“Well,” said the man, breaking down once more, “they are my tenants.”

•••

Three old ladies are sitting at a table playing cards and bragging about their sons.

“My Tommy,” said Margaret, “everyone should be so lucky to have s son like Tommy. Once a week he brings me a bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly taking me out to restaurants to eat, and if I so much as hint that I want something, the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”

“That’s all very nice Margaret,” says Ellen, “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning I wake up to fresh bacon and eggs, and each lunch he comes over to make me a gourmet lunch. Every evening he takes me to his house for dinner, he treats me like a queen!”

“Well!”, exclaims Barbara, “Not to make you two feel bad, but wait until you hear about my David. Twice each week he pays $200 an hour to lie on a couch and talk to someone. And who do you think he talks about with such expensive prices?” Barbara asks with delight. “I’ll tell you who! All he speaks about is me!”

•••

A businessman wearing a sharp suit sat down next to a woman on a plane. He sighed loudly, and launched into an explanation she hadn’t asked for. “Well you see,” he began, “I’ve been travelling around the country and even outside of it, making important business deals and organising mergers. I’m really quite high up in the industry actually, you may have heard of me.”

He continued on, talking about his company and his nice apartment for what felt like hours to the woman. Eventually he stopped, “You know what, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking about myself, hardly letting you get a word in!”

“Tell me,” he said, “What do you think about me?”

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Written by Liv Gardiner

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