Friday Funnies: World animal day

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”

A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish?'”

The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.” The pastor buys a couple of fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.” He explains to her why they are dam fish.

Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f**king potatoes!”

•••

Late one night a burglar broke into a house. While sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.” He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and heard again, “Jesus is watching you.” In a corner he spotted a cage with a parrot inside.

The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesus is watching me?”.

The parrot replied, “Yes.”

Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?”

The parrot said, “Clancy.”

The burglar said, “What kind of idiot names a parrot Clancy?”

The parrot answered, “The same idiot that named the Pitbull Jesus.”

•••

My grandfather has the heart of a lion…

…and a lifetime ban from the New York City Zoo.

•••

Two men are walking through a game park when they came across a lion that hadn’t eaten in days. The lion starts to chase the men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.” He looks over his shoulder to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his that prayer was answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”

•••

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch.

One grumbles to the other, “I’ve had a sore throat all day, I think I’m getting a cold.”

The other replies “Well, it could be worse. You could have diarrhoea.”

•••

Q: What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?

A: You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish.

•••

A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey to the zoo.” The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!”

The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.”

•••

What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle?

A polar bear

•••

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So, they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerised that he let me baptise him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

•••

Teacher: “Name a bird with wings that can’t fly.”

Student: “A dead bird, sir.”

•••

A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun. The animal control employee tells the man, “I’m here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I’m going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their balls which calms the animal down so I can put him in the truck.”

The man says “Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?”

The animal control employee says, “Oh, that’s for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla.”

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Written by Liv Gardiner

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