Friday funnies

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It

had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband’s advice.. ‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’ ‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’ He’s still in intensive care.

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’ ‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’ The old man says without hesitation, I now pronounce you man and wife.’

The Perks of Being 40 & Over

·tKidnappers are not very interested in you.

·tIn a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

·tNo one expects you to run into a burning building.

·tPeople no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

·tThere is nothing left to learn the hard way.

·tThings you buy now won’t wear out.

·tYou can eat dinner at 4 PM.

·tYou can live without sex but not without glasses.

·tYou enjoy hearing arguments about pension plans.

·tYou have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

·tYou no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

·tYou quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

·tYou sing along with elevator music.

·tYour eyes won’t get much worse.

·tYour investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

·tYour joints are a more accurate meteorologist than the national weather service.

·tYour secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

·tYour supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


George Phillips age 82 of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked ‘Is someone in your house?’ He said ‘No.’ Then they said

‘All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.’ George said, ‘Okay’. He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

‘Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.’ and hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, ‘I thought you said that you shot them!’

George said, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!’ (True Story)